tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29109554399116382272024-02-08T11:27:46.206-08:00Interviews with Reality by LynetteWhiteAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-3027534944407691682012-11-08T23:02:00.003-08:002012-11-08T23:02:21.304-08:00Semantics? I think not.About to go to sleep....deciding to go to bed a victor. No, my glass isnt half full...this isnt about perception, it's about choosing to believe the report of the Lord. <br />
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No deals today... my son is making a complete ASS of himself. I'm tired. The money didnt come, and i promised to pay tomorrow. I havent heard from 'you' ...and i'm feelin a way....got this little cough that is threatening to do something i'm not gonna like. My room is attrocious and i really need a pedicure.<br />
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But....eyes have not seen....ears have not heard, neither has it entered into the hearts of man...the glory that shall be revealed in me...So there you have it....no glass of water needed. Selah.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-30630792384115935372012-11-08T17:10:00.003-08:002012-11-08T17:10:36.104-08:00Not even worth the readThroughout the day, i find it necesseary to to say certain things to myself...whether to encourage myself, quiet my mind, aleviate stress, or even to make myself laugh...i'm thinking i'm not the only one...one of the things i just said to myself is..." i bet it would be interesting to actually write down some of the random things you say to yourself throughout the day.. I'll decide at the end of the day whether or not to share it...but for now...here goes....<br />
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"He looks much better with his hair cut."<br />
"lose the attitude lynette...he thinks he was being helpful"<br />
"ugh!!! i hate drinking out of plastic, but this water bottle is so cute!"<br />
" I really need a massage! This knot in my shoulder is giving me the blues...."<br />
"Resist the urge to ask for a massage, cuz you KNOW he will say yes!"<br />
" Jaha is freakin' HILARIOUS!"<br />
" SUCH THINGS LIKE THAT??? c'mon dude.....that's not even KLOSE to right...#imsuchajudger"<br />
"ok, i can do a gallon of water a day if i use this container....plastic notwithstanding" <br />
"im so awesome for using words like 'notwithstanding' in my thoughts lolololololol"<br />
"oh yeah! i have that crystal light energy stuff in my drawer! does that make it not water anymore? whatever..."<br />
" ever since i did that sea salt cleanse in this container, it's harder to drink out of it...." <br />
" i wanna do it again, but ...ew....cant"<br />
"as big as dat det is, i dont see how anyone is gonna pay dat back"...are you really referring to the national debt as though it's a personal loan that someone actually....pays back....? um ok.<br />
"it just comes down to who do i think wont screw us the most?"...does the double negative equals positive rule apply to this question?"<br />
" it would be SO STUPID to post this, but i probably will...lolololololol"<br />
" i'm going to be ok without you."<br />
" i can do this,...just keep moving forward...one step at a time, i'll be ok"<br />
" really? of course it's not there.....cuz it would just make too much sense for it to have gone smoothly..." ugh...<br />
" i miss you.<br />"alot"<br />
" i musta forgot ta <strong>wrote</strong> dat down on my notes"....i'm really tryin' here..but ur makin it hard......did u really just say that????<br />
" DO NOT SEND THAT MESSAGE LYNETTE....it's counterproductive. The feeling will pass, i promise."<br />
" do we have a reason to be mad at each other right now?" " if i dont call, will u?"<br />
"when is enough enough? When, as a mother...have you done enough?....when have you just gone way too far to please your children ? when do you admit to yourself that not only do they not appreciate anything you do, but that it will be YEARS before they even realize your doing anything at all?" ..How do you not take it personally....????"<br />
" when do you stop typing random stuff on your blog that's not even 'worth the read'? "<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-6762923800765946322012-11-06T17:48:00.000-08:002012-11-06T17:48:34.641-08:00is He serious???Do you mean to tell me...that when i sing songs....like..." i shall not be moved...ill say of the Lord, You are my shield, my strength, my shelter..." etc., He is actually going to hold me to that? He actually expects me to stand in faith when the storms of life are raging? Does he know about the wind chill factor??? Has He seen the palm trees bend all the way over...until they actually touch the ground?????? Maybe he is oblivious to the rain...and how cold it is...and then there's the tide....i live really close to sea level, you know...the waves are coming closer and closer ...i mean, c'mon...it's just as song, right? <br />
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" Unto whomsoever much is given, much is required...." it's all finally making sense. No, i dont have all the answers...i havent arrived...i aint 'deep'...and truthfully...i aint got a 'woooorrrrd' for nobody...but of this one thing, i am certain; GOD is a very present help in time of need. All this bible stuff aint just whistlin dixie....i mean, for certain, there aint much to be said for religion...honestly...the drums, the organ, the choirs and the sequins, howbeit entertaining...none of it ever did a thing for me when the weatherman didnt see the "Hurricane Sandy's" in my life comin'....but relationship...intimacy with God...whew....let's just say....' you dont know like i know....what he's done for me!" this thought ....is incomplete...i'm sure there's more to say....but i dont really have a seamless segway from idea to idea....my writing skills are a bit lacking...cuz i just wanna jump to the part of the story where i explain how...ALL HELL SEEMS TO BE BREAKING LOOSE IN MY LIFE....and still...i have joy...and peace...i'm literally smiling on in the inside...cuz i know the end of the story....i win.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-16222371021265432142012-11-06T12:21:00.002-08:002012-11-06T12:23:39.191-08:00Forecast....clear.I can see clearly now....the rain is gone...<br />
rain of confusion<br />
rain of anger<br />
rain of fear...<br />
rain of distraction<br />
rain of low self image and self pity<br />
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Gone...<br />
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I see clearly,<br />
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That God has good plans for us...for me, and my children.<br />
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B'leeve i'll run on.....Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-36916959946913539312012-11-01T23:07:00.000-07:002012-11-01T23:07:00.109-07:00NaNoWriMo Day cont'd Love Lifted Me...I was talking to my cousin about, i dont even know what...and she commented on what she perceived to be my strength in going through recent challenges. As much of a 'collar-poppin' , strong black woman, ride or die, we come from good stock moment as it was...the first thing...the only thing that came to mind was " Great is Thy Faithfulness....oh God my Father....there is no shadow of turning with Thee..." Here's the thing...it sounds corny...in fact, i said as much to my little cuzzo but i'm tellin you...God is faithful. His love...His presence..His patience with me, has brought me...IS BRINGING me to a place that i never really thought i'd see.<br />
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If you've ever been in love....the kind of love that makes you watch the object of your affection in his/her sleep, struggling not to wake them with a kiss...if you can imagine the tenderness of a babies hand gently reaching for the connection of her mother,,,the smell of night blooming jasmine unexpected on a moonlit evening...so is the love of my Christ toward me. Tears wouldnt accurately communicate my absolute appreciation of His affections...His love...lifted me.<br />
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There have been times...in the last year and half when i literally could not breathe....when the weight of my circumstances threatened to replace every measure of oxygen in my existence with the thick, smokey darkness of despair...when the searching eyes of my sons forced me to fake a smile....that one dreadful day when my game face...was alll i had...and a fever blister was the straw on the back of the camel that carried my emotional stability...that day...i fell....long and hard...i fell...i cried...i cringed....longing to disappear...i fell....i cried...i cringed...i could not...i would not take anymore...i fell, i cried...i cringed...and then...His love....somehow....lifted me.<br />
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Sure, at times it was a friend who couldnt stop me from '' going there" but wouldnt let me "STAY THERE" that was His love...other times, it was end number one and end number two miraculously meeting that was His love....more times than i'd care to admit it was the 'buy one, get one free king size kit kat' that showed up as His love....NO, I CANT EXPLAIN IT...and i dont expect it to make sense to you but i'm telling you ....when nothing else could help....love....lifted me. <br />
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Listen, i'm only saying all of this to say....there is a relationship to be had....with your Creator....that man can not accurately describe...we can only do the best we can with our finite minds to describe the infinite connection our God created us to have with Him...it's late...and i dont even know if i'm making any sense as this point....but just as if you choose to live and die without human connections and relationships, we do ourselves a disservice to not pursue relationship with the One who purposed us from the beginning...before the foundations of the world were framed.....i'm not preaching...i promise...but if i taste an amazing dessert...my automatic response will be to tell everyone i know...to go try it.....when i went through the drama of high risk pregnancy, my then husband 'yves' was amazing as was the care i received at Keiser...so i told it on the mountain ! That's what we do right? Silver and gold.....aintgotit!!! but what i do have....'...give i unto thee '....There is a balm in Gilead....goodnight.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-65063015349415049792012-11-01T16:11:00.001-07:002012-11-01T16:14:43.391-07:00NaNoWriMo...Ok then, here we go!If someone would have told me that on this day, November 1st 2012, at 11:45 am, i would be sitting behind a desk on the phone...selling merchant services....if anyone wouldve told me that one of my sons would be in placement and the other would be doing much of what is in his power to get himself incarcerated, i would have laughed myself into a coma. I wouldnt have even been able to take them seriously enough to be offended. Honestly, if someone would have even suggested that "Yves" and I would be separated, and that he wouldve all but disappeared for the last six months, I may have paused for a second...but my response would have certainly been...naaaaaah! He wouldnt leave his boys...me, maybe...but not his boys.<br />
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There is so much about my life today that i dont understand, but i have learned to be ok in that space. it's not a space of ignorance, or one of apathy; rather it is a space of faith, of trust that 'whatever my lot, ...it is well'. I'm learning so much about my worth, my value, my position in God's heart that the things i dont know, that i dont understand still make sense in that, He loves me and has only good plans for me. I heard Joyce Meyer say this morning that she wouldnt trade her past because if she had to sacrifice her present, shed do it all over again....and that, made sense to me. <br />
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I often ponder the number of lives i've lived."Rodney", "Favio", "Yves"...and those are the subtitles i dare type, the ones you guys wont judge me for, but they dont near chronicle my journey. There have been loves, likes, dysfunctional connections and most importantly dear, dear friendships, lifelong bonds that i have experienced that cause me to state with passionate resolve, " i wouldnt trade nothin' for my journey"<br />
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I fear the details of what brought me to this place would bore you. Well, maye not, but I'm just damn tired of tellin the story...all of it. I'm tired of yesterday, yes, it has some value but only inasmuch as it brought me my children, so much laughter, and these four grey eyelashes but other than that....at least for now, i have had it with yesterday. I will, however, credit days past with a a phenomenon that i am becoming increasingly proud of...NO!<br />
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I am learning the beauty of "no". Not just "no, i cant do that for you", or "no i dont have it", but "no...i wont allow that into my space"..."no, i'm not going to allow you to make me feel that", "NO, I WONT ACCEPT THAT AS THE TRUTH ABOUT ME!!!"..."no"...what a beautifully annointed word. I just got off a call, that for all intents and purposes should've changed my emotional climate at least for a while; but because of this one syllable, two letter word...one vowel, one consenant...i'm good. I'm at peace....and i'm really really proud of that. To make reference to Joyce's statement, if it took all i've been through, to get me to the place where i can close the door on the bullshit...gracefully say 'no, thank you' to the drama...and mean it????!!! Then baaaaaayyybbbeeeeee.....TICK TACK, NO TRADE BACKS!!! I'd do it all again. (562)<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-46177524317815302522012-10-16T22:45:00.000-07:002012-10-16T23:17:24.897-07:00I acquiesque...Wednesday's smile...the one i pulled down from the top of the closet, dusted off and decide to adorne despite it's dated hue is a favorite of mine....this particular smile is a favorite because although it admittedly has been around a few seasons it is....how shall i say.....broken in. It fits. You see, this smile...has been through some thangs. It has weathered enough storms to know exactly how long before the dawn approaches and is mature enough to have grown...selfless. This smile...has purpose. I put it on when i wake up in the morning decidedly unselfish and wanna see somebody else smile...at least for a moment. The other thing i like...about this smile...i didnt quite notice the first couple of wears....this smile is seasoned with discernment...this smile can feel the cry of another lonely soul...empathize with the plight of the average passerby without sharing more than a glance...it was one of these "wednesday smile" days that 'she' begged me...with her eyes...to stop....to listen...to write.<br />
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" i havent talked to her in three days..."...I asked who she was talking about...poised...pen to paper waiting for answers locked in chamber waiting to explode into unknowing, judgemental atmosphere and mortally wound religious expectations. "i finally told her....that i cant do it anymore...i finally stood up...i opened my mouth, and i said it. We both knew it was coming but today...i said it. i said no....the problem with that is ...now she's gone. I dont know if she's coming back...and i dont know what i'll do if she doesnt." I wanted to ask more questions....suggest that maybe if she started from the beginning, it would be helpful but i realized i was being selfish. I wanted clarity, to follow the story...my carnal curiosity longed for the entertainment of her tragedy...ashamed of this truth, i waited in silence...for her to continue.<br />
" I saw grey's anatomy...and i saw a couple, that reminded me of us...but not really. I wanted it to, but i realized the couple I was watching on tv...they didnt make each other miserable. constantly trying to change each other, desperately clinging to what could be but never really is, we fight...and fight...and fight...we make up and for a few weeks...we pretend the the intermission is the actual show and that we wont be fighting again before the next scene ends. The truth is...although she would love for me to be ' the one '...i'm not what she wants me to be...i have too many rules...although i gave up my rights, i'm haunted by my wrongs and on those days that i'm not...she wont let me forget that i'm flawed. You see, the women on greys anatomy....well, they werent hung up on the fact that they were both women...and frankly...neither am i...our issues...are irreconcilable irrespective of gender they exist in addition to the would be obvious challenges..." I extend apologies for having to leave early but offered to meet her later on on the evening to continue...my offer passified her but her need for emotional release overpowered her rational and she turned...and walked away.<br />
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We met a couple days later. I hadnt been able to reach her until now. This time...i started by asking her name..."does it matter?" she asked, dryly. Since it actually didnt, i took out my laptop, opened it, and sat in silence until she spoke. "Today, it got real. I confided in my brother how much i was missing her but all he could remember was how often i cried over the last year and a half...how sad and frustrated i always seemed, and he attempted to remind me that it was for the best...finally when i couldnt take it anymore i sent her a text....saying again that i missed her and that this was really hard. The response i got told me this was it...it was real..... Her response was resovled and absolute. She said she loved me and that she was trying to create a space....where i could fit in her life...but that she did not know how to do that or how long it would take...i didnt want to understand or to feel the finality of her response, but i did. it's real. it's over. what's so crazy is that i have so much going on...so much to do, i should be relieved....but I'M NOT! I'M NOT RELIEVED, I'M SAD...AND ANXIOUS....AND UNSURE....because i love her!!!!!!! and because i'm dysfunctional and broken and afraid and i havent decided that i will be ok....without her." It seemed like an hour had passed since her last word but i just felt like it would be disrespectful to move...to close the laptop, or to attempt to conclude the moment for her...so i waited. It had actually only been 15 minutes but i was preoccupied with trying to figure out how this beautiful, unnamed woman managed to weep....to buckle right there in front of me without shedding a tear, or changing her expression....her last sentenced cried....and i was afraid with her.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-86039794640738304832012-02-02T23:50:00.000-08:002012-02-02T23:51:09.151-08:00Why didnt i think of that?Thank you Jamie for the following interview. May it speak to someone reading it, the way it spoke to me, inspiring me to share.<br />
" adults cant be abandandoned...children can...you're not a child...you're an adult."....I learned that tonight....and it really hit home. So the anxiety i feel...over the thought of being left...is a lie...it's an illusion....an illusion that holds me hostage again and again. <br />
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I allow myself to be mistreated...rather than be left...abandoned. As i get in touch with the reasons for this phenomenon, it all means nothing if i dont decide...if i dont choose to do something differently.<br />
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"What does that mean ?" I ask....not so much because i dont know, as much as for confirmation of some things i, myself am dealing with on a daily basis.<br />
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Jamie goes on to explain that she intellectually understands that the emotions she has built an altar to and worships on the regular are based on False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR). That is just as valuable as intellectually understanding that eating chocolate chip cookies in bed at 10:30 pm is not a great idea. The information doesnt become helpful until action is taken.<br />
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Then begs the question...what do u do? How do you get over the fear of abandonment? " I dont know the textbook answer", Jamie says " but i can tell you what i'm going to do "<br />
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Jamie says that the first thing on her list is to talk to herself...YES...TALK TO HERSELF. She explained that she is currently in a challenging relationship where she often feels emotionally abused but because of her abandonment issues, she has repeatedly settled, tolerated, and sucked up more than her share of poor treatment. When those fears come up, Jamie says she is going to speak out loud to herself until she gets her emotions under control so that she can change her usual response. "um....what will you say to yourself that will change something you are so used to doing?"<br />
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Jamie's answer only surprised me because it was profound...but practical...." ...lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the world" She said that reminding herself that Jesus Christ was always going to be with her...no matter what, was her plan. All i could say was....why didnt i think of that?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-56352180274965758232012-01-05T10:13:00.000-08:002012-01-05T10:13:09.193-08:001st documented thoughts of the New Year..." As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he..." careful Lynette...might as well get this party started right....Here is my opening declaration<br />
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January 1st 2012. This year promises to be filled wtih God's richest blessings. My children grow and change...and so do i. I am even now beginning to experience the realm of the effortless. My hunger and thirst shall be satisfied in this season and my gifts will make room for me like never before. My children and i will be blessed in the city, and in the field...in our going out, and in our coming in. There you have it.<br />
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In retrospect, 2011 'wasnt no punk'...so comparatively speaking...2012 should be as good...as 2011 was challenging. Despite all that's transpired in the last year, the thing that stands out as having been the greatest change is that i've learned to see God and my relationship with Him differently than ever before. In the growing absence of religion...and the beautiful blossoming of real relationship, i am learning how He truly feels about me and His plans for my life. I am learning in this...to rest. Since this rest seems to be somewhat of a 'new years resolution' for me...I think it only fitting to identify any obstacles to me accomplishing this resolution....<br />
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The first thing that comes to mind....is ME...my lawless emotions...their one mission is to KEEP ME TRIPPING!!! well, guess what ??? no thank you. I'm done...so...for starters....I'm going to log off this laptop...and go downstairs with the rest of the party...yes, party. There is a party going on downstairs...and i'm up here...swaddled tightly in my emotions...typing. So...here goes...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-65237432506554945912011-12-28T16:12:00.000-08:002011-12-28T16:12:38.519-08:00Callin' namesAs the year closes...i cant help but think about the people in my life...today...who for various reasons keep me afloat. Though ambiguity has its place...sometimes...we need to name names.<br />
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Picture this... your best friend finally got that book published that you stayed up nights listening to passages from...constantly encouraging her that she was good enough and that people cared what she had to say...you carefully open the first autographed copy...hot off the presses....you read the introduction and only slightly smile when you read..." to those of you who stayed up with me...you know who you are"...How much better would you have felt if that intro said...." to my best friend Robin...thanks for sitting up with me..."....feel me?<br />
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so...although i wont go into much detail...i do want to actually name names...why? not sure..but it's been bubbling over in me so...i'm gonna do it. This year has had turns that i definitely didnt see coming....and without the help of certain people in my life...i wouldve run smack dab into a cliff...well....i kinda did run into a few cliffs as a matter of fact...but there are those who helped me nurse my wounds...others who listened to me complain how bad it hurt....others who laughed with me about how ridiculous i looked in the bandages...<br />
There are those who articulated how much they wished i'd let them help me to navigate better so that i'd avoid the cliff in the first place...those who pledge there committment to loving me through it and holding my hand (if i'm willing to take it) and mentoring me clean out of this foreign land that i made a wrong turn and ended up in...So here goes...If you read this...and you dont see your name...charge it to my head...not my heart....but if you've been here during this season...YOU KNOW IT!<br />
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Diane Abergel<br />
Andrell Hunter<br />
Chelle York<br />
Amanda Yancee<br />
Camille Lewis-Francis<br />
Jaha Zainabu<br />
Deana Reed<br />
Michele James<br />
Spencer Allen<br />
Bernadette Moore<br />
Felicia Edgemond<br />
Mommy<br />
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I cant...well i wont... list specifically...each persons place...or what they've done..or justify their existence on the list if YOU dont think they should be there...but i will say...definitively...that i do thank God for each one of you...because i have learned and benefited so much...from even the smallest word...or hug...or smile....or thought that you have provoked... or action that you have inspired....Blessings to you...and should the seasons change...and you not be in my life...at least not in this capacity in the upcoming year....know that you are loved, and appreciated.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-53793623988193751912011-12-10T06:55:00.000-08:002011-12-10T06:56:22.584-08:00"Corynne"...My cousin laughs at how well i can phsycholanalize (sp?) myself. It's actually pretty ridiculous. I know exactly what's wrong with me and why. So then, begs the question....why don't you stop doing what's bad for you? Go figure. So is the case with "Corynne". We agreed that as long as i change her name, she doesnt give a rats patooty what i post and, in fact...there might be some healing in her reading it so...here goes. Disclaimer: I'll do my best to paint a tinly little picture that represents the heart of our conversations...<br />
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"I'm so sick and tired of abuse. it keeps showing up in my life so i must be attracting it! it seems, no matter how a relationship starts off, i position myself to be 'the help'. I'm so hell bent on being the one that will ' love you right' ....'heal all your hurts'....understand why you do the things you do and not leave like all the rest...that i dont even notice when we make a left. i guess people are just people and if u give more, they'll take more...the problem is that part of my dysfunction is that i dont place my needs up on the board...you know the soul train scramble board that exists in all relationships that eventually becomes clear as the song and dance unfolds?...yeah, that board. How i feel, what i like...want...NEED...never seems to get up on the board...the music gets louder and the rhythms become familiar so.." heyyyyyy, that's my jammmmm"...just seems like the natural thing to say, when in fact....i dont even like country western music and cowboy boots hurt my feet.<br />
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So then the day comes...sometimes sooner, sometimes later...when i decide...that it hurts too bad...the abuse i mean. Let me be clear that the abuse isnt always...rather, is hardly ever, physical. Most of the time, Hell, all the time, it's so sublime, nobody even notices but me...(but why would they...? i wont tell if you dont). So this is the part when the reader goes..." that's right girl, you dont have to take that...blah blah blah"...well, dont get excited...this decision...doesnt generally dictate any change of action necessarily...i simply decide to at least acknowledge that things dont feel good anymore....then achy braky heart comes on...and the intro is my favorite part, so i slide on my boots...and get back in line..."heyyyyyyy that's my soooooong!!!!"...."Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-24063646107971811972011-11-20T14:18:00.000-08:002011-11-20T14:18:45.005-08:00Waiting Here for You......I'm writing now...simply because...if i dont....i'll scream.<br />
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I left church...so high...really glad i went...encouraged and ready for the next round....or so i thought. The rain...my kids stink attitudes and false sense of entitlement...the crowded streets...the crazy drivers...the unfair measures at the store ( which i discover only once i'm at home ), undone chores, and rebellious pets...( yes, even the dogs...)....have in one hour...drained me.<br />
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I just wanted to come home...to a warm house...get a few thing done and enjoy the rest of my evening...no stress...no struggle...i didnt even ask for appreciation, or companionship, or a phonecall, or a smile....i just didnt want to be sad....but of course...i'm forgetting...i have an adversary.<br />
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I understand that Joy is a decision...and that i have to choose....so i'm fighting. Even typing this is one small kick, or punch, or scratch....one small step toward reclaiming my day. It's all so very challenging...but i read the end of the book...I win.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-72201807468792743232011-10-23T17:24:00.000-07:002011-10-23T17:24:44.422-07:00Triggers......are so unfair...<br />
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Unfair to the one who got ambushed...but even more unfair to the unknowing soul who accidently said the thing that reminded you of your mother... or... laughed in that condescending way that aunt so and so used to right before she reminded you that you would never be as smart as cousin whatshername....<br />
..ok so...you dont know what i'm talking about...i'm the only one with triggers...right.<br />
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The unfortunate think about these 'triggers' is that they steal, kill, and destroy. They point to unforgiveness of the past...they remind you of hurts that are surpressed...buried, ignored...but still very much alive. New relationships, thriving friendships are jeopardized because of wounds that were inflicted long ago....<br />
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Right now love...right now companionship and present communication hang in the balance while we wrestle with yesterday. C'mon Lynette...get over it already.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-10248418517079333772011-10-10T00:13:00.000-07:002011-10-10T00:13:47.377-07:00????I've never considered myself passive. <br />
<br />
Yet...<br />
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The unwillingness to engage in certain parts of my life...the reluctance to stand up and say "no", this is not ok...the hesitance to at least raise an arm to block the blow or a shield to reflect the proberbial arrow would most definitely be considered...passivity.<br />
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Are the "why's" even important? Perhaps for the <em>adobo</em> of the meat or the <em>sazon con azafran</em> added to the mundane of cheap rice cuz the parboiled was too expensive...maybe so that my blog is somethin' worth readin' or maybe just so the reader wont think i'm a punk...maybe the why's are important. In actuality, the "why" matters cuz what God reveals, He heals but how often do we ever get to the "why"??? Some of my "why's" go way back...and some...some are still whistlin' like the kettle on Clifton place waiting to make that perfect cup of tea...for example...<br />
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Why do i let "you" say things to hurt me over and over again and then still come when you call? Why do i take the abuse cuz i feel like i deserve it for "makin" you love me and not being able to be everything you need...? Why, instead of at least slowly building some sort of fortress to shelter my heart...or at least constructing a temporary wall or makeshift tent that might withstand at least the first part of the storm, do i stand by and watch you build your castle, dig ur moat, fill it with crocodiles and lube up the chain on your drawbridge when i KNOW what side of it i'll be left on ???<br />
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And YOU....if i even begin to ask the why's that weave in and out of our 'get down'...whew...that's all i'm gonna say about that...cuz ours...is sacred and i promised not to go there.<br />
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Why did i even meet "you"? Yes, you are wonderful, but why do i let you think that you were perfect and except the entire responsibility for your broken heart when the truth is you are not all you think you are...and you cant be what you think you can be...not to me, anyway...not for me. I understand that you want to...and it's because of that sincerity that i dont tell you that your pain is always showing. Your brokenness is always the one that opens my car door when i arrive and starts an argument when i try to leave....and yes, i'd like to be the one to fix that for you but ....i cant....and that's the real reason that there is no "us"...at least not now.<br />
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and You....what are you doing here? well, i mean..you've been here all along, but why now? why like this? where is this going? i cant ...i wont take on the responsibility of another heart looking for a home that wanders into my tree hugging arms...i know that sounds cold but in this moment...here on THIS screen....it is what it is...<br />
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As is usually the case...this entry has taken on a life of its own so in an effort to maintain some semblance of sanity, i'm going to reign it in now...also, like any good mystery, the names in this story ...the dates...and the recollections have been intentionally revised to protect the innocent...or the guilty...:) so if you are reading this...and wondering if i'm talking about you...perhaps i am...or...maybe i'm not...either way rest assured...in the big scheme of things...it doesnt even matter....does it?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-38566411763221284432011-10-02T23:09:00.000-07:002011-10-02T23:09:45.568-07:00I choose.Change is hard...but not changing is harder! when i look back on the drama that is the last six months of my life, i almost cant believe the main character i'm cheering on is me. Twists and turns...more downs than ups....and countless...literally countless tears chronical an otherwise unenventful existence. The most interesting part of the sentence i just typed is that right after the word chronical...it became a complete lie. My life has been alot of things...uneventful notsomuch. I've been around the world and ayiayiayi...( pronounced i i i ) i've met some amazing people....and some not so amazing ones. I have loved and been loved and i'm not even half way done...but i digress.<br />
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Where were we? Oh yes...I was talking about the last six months...or rather the fact that this is a new day...a new month, a new season. Good and bad choices and the consequences thereof are what's left of yesterday. Determination marks start of tomorrow. In this moment, i am choosing perspective. The facts are the same but i get to decide whether to embrace Truth or lies. The facts are as follows; I have made a series of bad decisions. Because of those decisions, nothing will ever be the same. Another fact is that i am only responsible for my choices and i did not arrive at this place alone. i have also become painfully aware of how my choices affect my children and for this, i am sorry. Now for the Truth. 1. God has good plans for me...ONLY good plans for me. 2. No weapon formed against me, however clever, sublime, or well disguised shall prosper. It is not possible. Even what is meant to cause me harm can only work together for my good. This is Truth and i choose to embrace it with everything i have. I will embrace it, believe it and walk it out .<br />
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There is more to this declaration...but i also choose...to pause.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-26642927017345204752011-09-26T23:12:00.000-07:002011-09-26T23:12:43.531-07:00Is it ?When peace like a river attendeth my way...when sorrows like sea billows roll...whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say...it is well...with my soul. or is it?<br />
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"woke up this mornin' with my mind...staaayyyyyed on Jesuuuuus"...did i? did u? and if we sing along...when the rest of the congretation sings...are we lying?<br />
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I guess what i'm sayin' is...the songs are nice...the melodies beautiful, and at the right church.....it's a joyful noise, indeed...or...is it? We sing songs cuz our grandmothers sang them. We clap...cuz the drum is playin'....and we dance...we dance if sister so and so is dancin cuz..." i dont want her to think i ain't saved "...." God forbid she find out i'm goin' thru somethin'"...at some point, i cant say when...the songs became real for me..." i've had some good days..." the groanings which cannot be uttered became my mantra...and the closed eyes and chin tilted upward my permanent position. " I sing because i'm happy..."<br />
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The gap between black folk 'praisin' Him' and 'white folks worship'...slimmed till it was bridged and i became preoccupied with songs of freedom.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-540599697184115982011-09-18T20:05:00.000-07:002011-09-18T20:07:20.528-07:00Crossroads...It isnt often that i actually sit in silence. Kids, work, cell fone, laptop, tv...It's almost as if i've become afraid to be alone with my thoughts.<br />
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I often joke that there is a proverbial reader board that is constantly running like subtitles at the bottom of the screen of my life. No matter what i'm doing, no matter what is going on...the reader board runs, reminding me of my next responsibility, driving me to my next location, threatening over missed appointments and opportunities...even taunting me about past present and future failures. No matter what...always the reader board...<br />
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In this moment...of silence...i realize that the still, small comforting voice of God is mostly drowned out by the hustle, bustle, and imagined urgencies of my life. The reader board that deprives me of peace ...could not have been installed by a loving Shephard because He leads...He does not drive...or coerce...or pressure...or shame me into action.<br />
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In this moment...I am pondering decisions...I am standing at the beginning of a crossroad wondering....the odd thing is that the roads are clearly labeled...one Life...the other...Death....why is it so difficult to choose? There is a way that seems right to me...and God's Word clearly says that way...ends in my demise...so why is it so hard to choose..??? If you are reading this...and thinking that i am a fool...thinking that if it were you, u would know which way to go....just keep on living.<br />
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In actuality, i have chosen death over and over...each time i've rebelled..each time i've chosen "who's right" as opposed to "what's right"...i have chosen death...each time i let fear dictate my next move or emotions rule my life...the choice was made...no struggle, no reluctance..." i'll take door number 1"..."i'll take 'pleasure' for 100.00 Bob"..."what is...'i'll do it my way' ? yes, that's my final answer!"...the difference between those times...and now...is that i'm being honest...being real with the decision set before me....and i choose LIFE.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-24552496116719909612011-09-14T08:19:00.000-07:002011-09-14T08:19:04.577-07:00Ouch, that hurts!....I just found out...that i'm angry. <br />
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I actually had to let that sentence sit...alone...and read it a few times, without explaining it away...without qualifying it...without denying it. I'm angry. During a mentor call, as i was doing my usual "performance", i was stopped in my tracks by the reality that I...AM....ANGRY. ( i've been typing for almost five minutes and i've only gotten this far because i keep deleting and starting again...why is this so difficult to address?) As i'm typing i'm noticing the anxiety over...who might be reading this..."will they think i'm talking about them?" "will they be mad at me?" "will they understand that i was just trying to...?" I didnt even know...that i was angry. <br />
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I've called my anger many things...but mostly i've internalized and blamed myself for the violations and betrayals that are so commonplace that they masquerade as 'jokes' and get to sit at the dinner table. They get invited to family functions and fit comfortably in shirt pockets and coach bags ready to be applied like antibiotic ointment to those ' not so bad cuts' that just wont seem to heal....i've chosen asthma attacks over a punching bag and chocolate chip cookies over journaling for far too long. Today, in an effort to clear these 43 year old lungs i say out loud..." ouch! that hurts!!!!<br />
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Ayanla Vanzant suggested i "call the foul" and i thought we had a deal. She explained that although i cant always do anything about it, being able to at least call the foul is not only healthy but necessary. When i read that passage in "Acts of Faith" so many years ago, i promised myself that i would do that. I said that i wouldnt allow pain to set in and fester because i didnt at least acknowledge that i had been wronged. In this moment, i realize that a commitment like that cant be made just once. I have to commit to being committed. :)<br />
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God is faithful...and in this season, i am reminded again to call the foul, at least internally....acknowledge the hurt....forgive...SET BOUNDARIES...so that true forgiveness and healing can occur...and then find a release for my anger...punching bag isnt really my style...and although blogging rocks...i need something more physical. I'm still woring on what that release should be but i get it...i'm angry...and that's ok. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-83183054348455254522011-09-08T22:35:00.000-07:002011-09-08T22:35:37.478-07:00Where the rubber meets the road...The powerful thing about journaling...is that often times, it's where the rubber meets the road. pen to paper is where you are face to face with your reality. i was asked to meditate and journal about the following ...<br />
i will to trust the Lord, i will to humble myself, I will to be obedient to the Lord, and i will to fear the Lord....The challenge is to consider...REALLY consider the areas in my life where i am not using my will to line my life up with Gods word and His plan for my life...this, my friends, is where the rubber meets the road. Once i actually ponder it...and write it down...I can see clearly where i am CHOOSING do to things my way...and whether it had been previously acknowledged before...the choice will once again be before me....this time ....unveiled...no excuses...<br />
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When rereading the paragraph above it came to me that the reality check that comes from journaling is also a choice....i can fill a whole book with my 'victim version' of life...and feel sorry for myself folly...OR...i can choose to " keep it 100 "...the latter option is the door behind which change, restoration, and my destiny awaits....gnight.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-78233943199414290352011-09-07T22:54:00.000-07:002011-09-07T22:54:17.760-07:00Positioned for progressBecause God is not the author of confusion, i wont say i'm confused right now. i will, however, say i dont know what to do. i learned tonight that the concept of " following my heart" has gotten me into a whole heap of krap in my lifetime...this season, being no exception!<br />
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My heart...my emotions are lawless...they have to be tamed...THEY ARE NOT TO BE FOLLOWED....THEY ARE NOT TO GOVERN OR DICTATE MY DECISIONS...as i'm typing this...it makes perfect sense, however most of the time, i'm floating around from happy face to happy face in a never ending quest for peace....i'm sure i'm babbling right now, so let me try to make this simple...at least somewhat understandable.<br />
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I'm taking an 8 week course at IC Church's Wednesday night university. Although tonight was only week 1, i can already see where i've fallen short. Fortunately, God only reveals things to me...about me...so that i can change...and move closer to the plans He has for me. I wont pretend that this particular blog entry is flowing clearly from one thought to another as i hope future entries will...i'm just tired...and i wanted to take a minute...to at least try to share...i'm seein me...and i dont look so good...the question is...WHAT NOW LORD?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2910955439911638227.post-46237732246834857432011-09-06T15:22:00.000-07:002011-09-06T15:22:36.130-07:00" God has a sense of humor? "First thing this morning... a harmless joke turned into offense...not because of intent...but because of a very common misconception in churches today...let me start by saying that my thoughts...my posts...will always be just that...MY THOUGHTS...MY POSTS....i share from my place of understanding...in hopes of giving another perspective...freedom always being the ultimate objective.<br />
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The joke i made, referred to a "doily" worn on the head of a family member. Although i understand the religious reverence of said 'doily', the family member and i joke about it all the time. Not only do we have a very close relationship, but we are both believers. I have a deep respect for her observance of faith, and she knows this. <br />
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My joke, however, sent other family members into a religious tailspin...even those who DONT EVEN GO TO CHURCH, much less don doilies!!! The conversation progressed to me mentioning that God had a sense of humor...WHY DID I SAY THAT???? "The bible says not to joke or jester".....WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT???? how ...please someone...tell me HOW...could i be created in God's image...and have a sense of humor....and that not come from Him...now...I AM NOT SAYING THAT MY SIN...comes from God....but every good and perfect gift comes from above...and i dont know about you, but laughter...is a gift!! Should i really believe that everytime i 'lol' i'm in sin???<br />
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A sense of humor...is a sense of proportion. I am constantly learning not to take myself so seriously. laughter has helped me through some of the toughest times in life...and it's sad...very sad to think of a faith that would deprive me of the gift of laughter....even sadder to think of serving a solemn God...who sits in heaven waiting to zap me for making a joke...<br />
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should i have simply kept my ' joke ' to myself..? probably. Should i have continued to respond with anything other than an apology once i realized i had offended them...probably not....but folks...i really couldnt believe it....this concludes my first official blog.....blogworthy? maybe not.....insightful? perhaps. Funny...probably. :) blessings...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14829138770281703934noreply@blogger.com3