If someone would have told me that on this day, November 1st 2012, at 11:45 am, i would be sitting behind a desk on the phone...selling merchant services....if anyone wouldve told me that one of my sons would be in placement and the other would be doing much of what is in his power to get himself incarcerated, i would have laughed myself into a coma. I wouldnt have even been able to take them seriously enough to be offended. Honestly, if someone would have even suggested that "Yves" and I would be separated, and that he wouldve all but disappeared for the last six months, I may have paused for a second...but my response would have certainly been...naaaaaah! He wouldnt leave his boys...me, maybe...but not his boys.
There is so much about my life today that i dont understand, but i have learned to be ok in that space. it's not a space of ignorance, or one of apathy; rather it is a space of faith, of trust that 'whatever my lot, ...it is well'. I'm learning so much about my worth, my value, my position in God's heart that the things i dont know, that i dont understand still make sense in that, He loves me and has only good plans for me. I heard Joyce Meyer say this morning that she wouldnt trade her past because if she had to sacrifice her present, shed do it all over again....and that, made sense to me.
I often ponder the number of lives i've lived."Rodney", "Favio", "Yves"...and those are the subtitles i dare type, the ones you guys wont judge me for, but they dont near chronicle my journey. There have been loves, likes, dysfunctional connections and most importantly dear, dear friendships, lifelong bonds that i have experienced that cause me to state with passionate resolve, " i wouldnt trade nothin' for my journey"
I fear the details of what brought me to this place would bore you. Well, maye not, but I'm just damn tired of tellin the story...all of it. I'm tired of yesterday, yes, it has some value but only inasmuch as it brought me my children, so much laughter, and these four grey eyelashes but other than that....at least for now, i have had it with yesterday. I will, however, credit days past with a a phenomenon that i am becoming increasingly proud of...NO!
I am learning the beauty of "no". Not just "no, i cant do that for you", or "no i dont have it", but "no...i wont allow that into my space"..."no, i'm not going to allow you to make me feel that", "NO, I WONT ACCEPT THAT AS THE TRUTH ABOUT ME!!!"..."no"...what a beautifully annointed word. I just got off a call, that for all intents and purposes should've changed my emotional climate at least for a while; but because of this one syllable, two letter word...one vowel, one consenant...i'm good. I'm at peace....and i'm really really proud of that. To make reference to Joyce's statement, if it took all i've been through, to get me to the place where i can close the door on the bullshit...gracefully say 'no, thank you' to the drama...and mean it????!!! Then baaaaaayyybbbeeeeee.....TICK TACK, NO TRADE BACKS!!! I'd do it all again. (562)
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I acquiesque...
Wednesday's smile...the one i pulled down from the top of the closet, dusted off and decide to adorne despite it's dated hue is a favorite of mine....this particular smile is a favorite because although it admittedly has been around a few seasons it is....how shall i say.....broken in. It fits. You see, this smile...has been through some thangs. It has weathered enough storms to know exactly how long before the dawn approaches and is mature enough to have grown...selfless. This smile...has purpose. I put it on when i wake up in the morning decidedly unselfish and wanna see somebody else smile...at least for a moment. The other thing i like...about this smile...i didnt quite notice the first couple of wears....this smile is seasoned with discernment...this smile can feel the cry of another lonely soul...empathize with the plight of the average passerby without sharing more than a glance...it was one of these "wednesday smile" days that 'she' begged me...with her eyes...to stop....to listen...to write.
" i havent talked to her in three days..."...I asked who she was talking about...poised...pen to paper waiting for answers locked in chamber waiting to explode into unknowing, judgemental atmosphere and mortally wound religious expectations. "i finally told her....that i cant do it anymore...i finally stood up...i opened my mouth, and i said it. We both knew it was coming but today...i said it. i said no....the problem with that is ...now she's gone. I dont know if she's coming back...and i dont know what i'll do if she doesnt." I wanted to ask more questions....suggest that maybe if she started from the beginning, it would be helpful but i realized i was being selfish. I wanted clarity, to follow the story...my carnal curiosity longed for the entertainment of her tragedy...ashamed of this truth, i waited in silence...for her to continue.
" I saw grey's anatomy...and i saw a couple, that reminded me of us...but not really. I wanted it to, but i realized the couple I was watching on tv...they didnt make each other miserable. constantly trying to change each other, desperately clinging to what could be but never really is, we fight...and fight...and fight...we make up and for a few weeks...we pretend the the intermission is the actual show and that we wont be fighting again before the next scene ends. The truth is...although she would love for me to be ' the one '...i'm not what she wants me to be...i have too many rules...although i gave up my rights, i'm haunted by my wrongs and on those days that i'm not...she wont let me forget that i'm flawed. You see, the women on greys anatomy....well, they werent hung up on the fact that they were both women...and frankly...neither am i...our issues...are irreconcilable irrespective of gender they exist in addition to the would be obvious challenges..." I extend apologies for having to leave early but offered to meet her later on on the evening to continue...my offer passified her but her need for emotional release overpowered her rational and she turned...and walked away.
We met a couple days later. I hadnt been able to reach her until now. This time...i started by asking her name..."does it matter?" she asked, dryly. Since it actually didnt, i took out my laptop, opened it, and sat in silence until she spoke. "Today, it got real. I confided in my brother how much i was missing her but all he could remember was how often i cried over the last year and a half...how sad and frustrated i always seemed, and he attempted to remind me that it was for the best...finally when i couldnt take it anymore i sent her a text....saying again that i missed her and that this was really hard. The response i got told me this was it...it was real..... Her response was resovled and absolute. She said she loved me and that she was trying to create a space....where i could fit in her life...but that she did not know how to do that or how long it would take...i didnt want to understand or to feel the finality of her response, but i did. it's real. it's over. what's so crazy is that i have so much going on...so much to do, i should be relieved....but I'M NOT! I'M NOT RELIEVED, I'M SAD...AND ANXIOUS....AND UNSURE....because i love her!!!!!!! and because i'm dysfunctional and broken and afraid and i havent decided that i will be ok....without her." It seemed like an hour had passed since her last word but i just felt like it would be disrespectful to move...to close the laptop, or to attempt to conclude the moment for her...so i waited. It had actually only been 15 minutes but i was preoccupied with trying to figure out how this beautiful, unnamed woman managed to weep....to buckle right there in front of me without shedding a tear, or changing her expression....her last sentenced cried....and i was afraid with her.
" i havent talked to her in three days..."...I asked who she was talking about...poised...pen to paper waiting for answers locked in chamber waiting to explode into unknowing, judgemental atmosphere and mortally wound religious expectations. "i finally told her....that i cant do it anymore...i finally stood up...i opened my mouth, and i said it. We both knew it was coming but today...i said it. i said no....the problem with that is ...now she's gone. I dont know if she's coming back...and i dont know what i'll do if she doesnt." I wanted to ask more questions....suggest that maybe if she started from the beginning, it would be helpful but i realized i was being selfish. I wanted clarity, to follow the story...my carnal curiosity longed for the entertainment of her tragedy...ashamed of this truth, i waited in silence...for her to continue.
" I saw grey's anatomy...and i saw a couple, that reminded me of us...but not really. I wanted it to, but i realized the couple I was watching on tv...they didnt make each other miserable. constantly trying to change each other, desperately clinging to what could be but never really is, we fight...and fight...and fight...we make up and for a few weeks...we pretend the the intermission is the actual show and that we wont be fighting again before the next scene ends. The truth is...although she would love for me to be ' the one '...i'm not what she wants me to be...i have too many rules...although i gave up my rights, i'm haunted by my wrongs and on those days that i'm not...she wont let me forget that i'm flawed. You see, the women on greys anatomy....well, they werent hung up on the fact that they were both women...and frankly...neither am i...our issues...are irreconcilable irrespective of gender they exist in addition to the would be obvious challenges..." I extend apologies for having to leave early but offered to meet her later on on the evening to continue...my offer passified her but her need for emotional release overpowered her rational and she turned...and walked away.
We met a couple days later. I hadnt been able to reach her until now. This time...i started by asking her name..."does it matter?" she asked, dryly. Since it actually didnt, i took out my laptop, opened it, and sat in silence until she spoke. "Today, it got real. I confided in my brother how much i was missing her but all he could remember was how often i cried over the last year and a half...how sad and frustrated i always seemed, and he attempted to remind me that it was for the best...finally when i couldnt take it anymore i sent her a text....saying again that i missed her and that this was really hard. The response i got told me this was it...it was real..... Her response was resovled and absolute. She said she loved me and that she was trying to create a space....where i could fit in her life...but that she did not know how to do that or how long it would take...i didnt want to understand or to feel the finality of her response, but i did. it's real. it's over. what's so crazy is that i have so much going on...so much to do, i should be relieved....but I'M NOT! I'M NOT RELIEVED, I'M SAD...AND ANXIOUS....AND UNSURE....because i love her!!!!!!! and because i'm dysfunctional and broken and afraid and i havent decided that i will be ok....without her." It seemed like an hour had passed since her last word but i just felt like it would be disrespectful to move...to close the laptop, or to attempt to conclude the moment for her...so i waited. It had actually only been 15 minutes but i was preoccupied with trying to figure out how this beautiful, unnamed woman managed to weep....to buckle right there in front of me without shedding a tear, or changing her expression....her last sentenced cried....and i was afraid with her.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Why didnt i think of that?
Thank you Jamie for the following interview. May it speak to someone reading it, the way it spoke to me, inspiring me to share.
" adults cant be abandandoned...children can...you're not a child...you're an adult."....I learned that tonight....and it really hit home. So the anxiety i feel...over the thought of being left...is a lie...it's an illusion....an illusion that holds me hostage again and again.
I allow myself to be mistreated...rather than be left...abandoned. As i get in touch with the reasons for this phenomenon, it all means nothing if i dont decide...if i dont choose to do something differently.
"What does that mean ?" I ask....not so much because i dont know, as much as for confirmation of some things i, myself am dealing with on a daily basis.
Jamie goes on to explain that she intellectually understands that the emotions she has built an altar to and worships on the regular are based on False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR). That is just as valuable as intellectually understanding that eating chocolate chip cookies in bed at 10:30 pm is not a great idea. The information doesnt become helpful until action is taken.
Then begs the question...what do u do? How do you get over the fear of abandonment? " I dont know the textbook answer", Jamie says " but i can tell you what i'm going to do "
Jamie says that the first thing on her list is to talk to herself...YES...TALK TO HERSELF. She explained that she is currently in a challenging relationship where she often feels emotionally abused but because of her abandonment issues, she has repeatedly settled, tolerated, and sucked up more than her share of poor treatment. When those fears come up, Jamie says she is going to speak out loud to herself until she gets her emotions under control so that she can change her usual response. "um....what will you say to yourself that will change something you are so used to doing?"
Jamie's answer only surprised me because it was profound...but practical...." ...lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the world" She said that reminding herself that Jesus Christ was always going to be with her...no matter what, was her plan. All i could say was....why didnt i think of that?
" adults cant be abandandoned...children can...you're not a child...you're an adult."....I learned that tonight....and it really hit home. So the anxiety i feel...over the thought of being left...is a lie...it's an illusion....an illusion that holds me hostage again and again.
I allow myself to be mistreated...rather than be left...abandoned. As i get in touch with the reasons for this phenomenon, it all means nothing if i dont decide...if i dont choose to do something differently.
"What does that mean ?" I ask....not so much because i dont know, as much as for confirmation of some things i, myself am dealing with on a daily basis.
Jamie goes on to explain that she intellectually understands that the emotions she has built an altar to and worships on the regular are based on False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR). That is just as valuable as intellectually understanding that eating chocolate chip cookies in bed at 10:30 pm is not a great idea. The information doesnt become helpful until action is taken.
Then begs the question...what do u do? How do you get over the fear of abandonment? " I dont know the textbook answer", Jamie says " but i can tell you what i'm going to do "
Jamie says that the first thing on her list is to talk to herself...YES...TALK TO HERSELF. She explained that she is currently in a challenging relationship where she often feels emotionally abused but because of her abandonment issues, she has repeatedly settled, tolerated, and sucked up more than her share of poor treatment. When those fears come up, Jamie says she is going to speak out loud to herself until she gets her emotions under control so that she can change her usual response. "um....what will you say to yourself that will change something you are so used to doing?"
Jamie's answer only surprised me because it was profound...but practical...." ...lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the world" She said that reminding herself that Jesus Christ was always going to be with her...no matter what, was her plan. All i could say was....why didnt i think of that?
Thursday, January 5, 2012
1st documented thoughts of the New Year..." As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he..." careful Lynette...might as well get this party started right....Here is my opening declaration
January 1st 2012. This year promises to be filled wtih God's richest blessings. My children grow and change...and so do i. I am even now beginning to experience the realm of the effortless. My hunger and thirst shall be satisfied in this season and my gifts will make room for me like never before. My children and i will be blessed in the city, and in the field...in our going out, and in our coming in. There you have it.
In retrospect, 2011 'wasnt no punk'...so comparatively speaking...2012 should be as good...as 2011 was challenging. Despite all that's transpired in the last year, the thing that stands out as having been the greatest change is that i've learned to see God and my relationship with Him differently than ever before. In the growing absence of religion...and the beautiful blossoming of real relationship, i am learning how He truly feels about me and His plans for my life. I am learning in this...to rest. Since this rest seems to be somewhat of a 'new years resolution' for me...I think it only fitting to identify any obstacles to me accomplishing this resolution....
The first thing that comes to mind....is ME...my lawless emotions...their one mission is to KEEP ME TRIPPING!!! well, guess what ??? no thank you. I'm done...so...for starters....I'm going to log off this laptop...and go downstairs with the rest of the party...yes, party. There is a party going on downstairs...and i'm up here...swaddled tightly in my emotions...typing. So...here goes...
January 1st 2012. This year promises to be filled wtih God's richest blessings. My children grow and change...and so do i. I am even now beginning to experience the realm of the effortless. My hunger and thirst shall be satisfied in this season and my gifts will make room for me like never before. My children and i will be blessed in the city, and in the field...in our going out, and in our coming in. There you have it.
In retrospect, 2011 'wasnt no punk'...so comparatively speaking...2012 should be as good...as 2011 was challenging. Despite all that's transpired in the last year, the thing that stands out as having been the greatest change is that i've learned to see God and my relationship with Him differently than ever before. In the growing absence of religion...and the beautiful blossoming of real relationship, i am learning how He truly feels about me and His plans for my life. I am learning in this...to rest. Since this rest seems to be somewhat of a 'new years resolution' for me...I think it only fitting to identify any obstacles to me accomplishing this resolution....
The first thing that comes to mind....is ME...my lawless emotions...their one mission is to KEEP ME TRIPPING!!! well, guess what ??? no thank you. I'm done...so...for starters....I'm going to log off this laptop...and go downstairs with the rest of the party...yes, party. There is a party going on downstairs...and i'm up here...swaddled tightly in my emotions...typing. So...here goes...
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Callin' names
As the year closes...i cant help but think about the people in my life...today...who for various reasons keep me afloat. Though ambiguity has its place...sometimes...we need to name names.
Picture this... your best friend finally got that book published that you stayed up nights listening to passages from...constantly encouraging her that she was good enough and that people cared what she had to say...you carefully open the first autographed copy...hot off the presses....you read the introduction and only slightly smile when you read..." to those of you who stayed up with me...you know who you are"...How much better would you have felt if that intro said...." to my best friend Robin...thanks for sitting up with me..."....feel me?
so...although i wont go into much detail...i do want to actually name names...why? not sure..but it's been bubbling over in me so...i'm gonna do it. This year has had turns that i definitely didnt see coming....and without the help of certain people in my life...i wouldve run smack dab into a cliff...well....i kinda did run into a few cliffs as a matter of fact...but there are those who helped me nurse my wounds...others who listened to me complain how bad it hurt....others who laughed with me about how ridiculous i looked in the bandages...
There are those who articulated how much they wished i'd let them help me to navigate better so that i'd avoid the cliff in the first place...those who pledge there committment to loving me through it and holding my hand (if i'm willing to take it) and mentoring me clean out of this foreign land that i made a wrong turn and ended up in...So here goes...If you read this...and you dont see your name...charge it to my head...not my heart....but if you've been here during this season...YOU KNOW IT!
Diane Abergel
Andrell Hunter
Chelle York
Amanda Yancee
Camille Lewis-Francis
Jaha Zainabu
Deana Reed
Michele James
Spencer Allen
Bernadette Moore
Felicia Edgemond
Mommy
I cant...well i wont... list specifically...each persons place...or what they've done..or justify their existence on the list if YOU dont think they should be there...but i will say...definitively...that i do thank God for each one of you...because i have learned and benefited so much...from even the smallest word...or hug...or smile....or thought that you have provoked... or action that you have inspired....Blessings to you...and should the seasons change...and you not be in my life...at least not in this capacity in the upcoming year....know that you are loved, and appreciated.
Picture this... your best friend finally got that book published that you stayed up nights listening to passages from...constantly encouraging her that she was good enough and that people cared what she had to say...you carefully open the first autographed copy...hot off the presses....you read the introduction and only slightly smile when you read..." to those of you who stayed up with me...you know who you are"...How much better would you have felt if that intro said...." to my best friend Robin...thanks for sitting up with me..."....feel me?
so...although i wont go into much detail...i do want to actually name names...why? not sure..but it's been bubbling over in me so...i'm gonna do it. This year has had turns that i definitely didnt see coming....and without the help of certain people in my life...i wouldve run smack dab into a cliff...well....i kinda did run into a few cliffs as a matter of fact...but there are those who helped me nurse my wounds...others who listened to me complain how bad it hurt....others who laughed with me about how ridiculous i looked in the bandages...
There are those who articulated how much they wished i'd let them help me to navigate better so that i'd avoid the cliff in the first place...those who pledge there committment to loving me through it and holding my hand (if i'm willing to take it) and mentoring me clean out of this foreign land that i made a wrong turn and ended up in...So here goes...If you read this...and you dont see your name...charge it to my head...not my heart....but if you've been here during this season...YOU KNOW IT!
Diane Abergel
Andrell Hunter
Chelle York
Amanda Yancee
Camille Lewis-Francis
Jaha Zainabu
Deana Reed
Michele James
Spencer Allen
Bernadette Moore
Felicia Edgemond
Mommy
I cant...well i wont... list specifically...each persons place...or what they've done..or justify their existence on the list if YOU dont think they should be there...but i will say...definitively...that i do thank God for each one of you...because i have learned and benefited so much...from even the smallest word...or hug...or smile....or thought that you have provoked... or action that you have inspired....Blessings to you...and should the seasons change...and you not be in my life...at least not in this capacity in the upcoming year....know that you are loved, and appreciated.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
"Corynne"...
My cousin laughs at how well i can phsycholanalize (sp?) myself. It's actually pretty ridiculous. I know exactly what's wrong with me and why. So then, begs the question....why don't you stop doing what's bad for you? Go figure. So is the case with "Corynne". We agreed that as long as i change her name, she doesnt give a rats patooty what i post and, in fact...there might be some healing in her reading it so...here goes. Disclaimer: I'll do my best to paint a tinly little picture that represents the heart of our conversations...
"I'm so sick and tired of abuse. it keeps showing up in my life so i must be attracting it! it seems, no matter how a relationship starts off, i position myself to be 'the help'. I'm so hell bent on being the one that will ' love you right' ....'heal all your hurts'....understand why you do the things you do and not leave like all the rest...that i dont even notice when we make a left. i guess people are just people and if u give more, they'll take more...the problem is that part of my dysfunction is that i dont place my needs up on the board...you know the soul train scramble board that exists in all relationships that eventually becomes clear as the song and dance unfolds?...yeah, that board. How i feel, what i like...want...NEED...never seems to get up on the board...the music gets louder and the rhythms become familiar so.." heyyyyyy, that's my jammmmm"...just seems like the natural thing to say, when in fact....i dont even like country western music and cowboy boots hurt my feet.
So then the day comes...sometimes sooner, sometimes later...when i decide...that it hurts too bad...the abuse i mean. Let me be clear that the abuse isnt always...rather, is hardly ever, physical. Most of the time, Hell, all the time, it's so sublime, nobody even notices but me...(but why would they...? i wont tell if you dont). So this is the part when the reader goes..." that's right girl, you dont have to take that...blah blah blah"...well, dont get excited...this decision...doesnt generally dictate any change of action necessarily...i simply decide to at least acknowledge that things dont feel good anymore....then achy braky heart comes on...and the intro is my favorite part, so i slide on my boots...and get back in line..."heyyyyyyy that's my soooooong!!!!"...."
"I'm so sick and tired of abuse. it keeps showing up in my life so i must be attracting it! it seems, no matter how a relationship starts off, i position myself to be 'the help'. I'm so hell bent on being the one that will ' love you right' ....'heal all your hurts'....understand why you do the things you do and not leave like all the rest...that i dont even notice when we make a left. i guess people are just people and if u give more, they'll take more...the problem is that part of my dysfunction is that i dont place my needs up on the board...you know the soul train scramble board that exists in all relationships that eventually becomes clear as the song and dance unfolds?...yeah, that board. How i feel, what i like...want...NEED...never seems to get up on the board...the music gets louder and the rhythms become familiar so.." heyyyyyy, that's my jammmmm"...just seems like the natural thing to say, when in fact....i dont even like country western music and cowboy boots hurt my feet.
So then the day comes...sometimes sooner, sometimes later...when i decide...that it hurts too bad...the abuse i mean. Let me be clear that the abuse isnt always...rather, is hardly ever, physical. Most of the time, Hell, all the time, it's so sublime, nobody even notices but me...(but why would they...? i wont tell if you dont). So this is the part when the reader goes..." that's right girl, you dont have to take that...blah blah blah"...well, dont get excited...this decision...doesnt generally dictate any change of action necessarily...i simply decide to at least acknowledge that things dont feel good anymore....then achy braky heart comes on...and the intro is my favorite part, so i slide on my boots...and get back in line..."heyyyyyyy that's my soooooong!!!!"...."
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Waiting Here for You...
...I'm writing now...simply because...if i dont....i'll scream.
I left church...so high...really glad i went...encouraged and ready for the next round....or so i thought. The rain...my kids stink attitudes and false sense of entitlement...the crowded streets...the crazy drivers...the unfair measures at the store ( which i discover only once i'm at home ), undone chores, and rebellious pets...( yes, even the dogs...)....have in one hour...drained me.
I just wanted to come home...to a warm house...get a few thing done and enjoy the rest of my evening...no stress...no struggle...i didnt even ask for appreciation, or companionship, or a phonecall, or a smile....i just didnt want to be sad....but of course...i'm forgetting...i have an adversary.
I understand that Joy is a decision...and that i have to choose....so i'm fighting. Even typing this is one small kick, or punch, or scratch....one small step toward reclaiming my day. It's all so very challenging...but i read the end of the book...I win.
I left church...so high...really glad i went...encouraged and ready for the next round....or so i thought. The rain...my kids stink attitudes and false sense of entitlement...the crowded streets...the crazy drivers...the unfair measures at the store ( which i discover only once i'm at home ), undone chores, and rebellious pets...( yes, even the dogs...)....have in one hour...drained me.
I just wanted to come home...to a warm house...get a few thing done and enjoy the rest of my evening...no stress...no struggle...i didnt even ask for appreciation, or companionship, or a phonecall, or a smile....i just didnt want to be sad....but of course...i'm forgetting...i have an adversary.
I understand that Joy is a decision...and that i have to choose....so i'm fighting. Even typing this is one small kick, or punch, or scratch....one small step toward reclaiming my day. It's all so very challenging...but i read the end of the book...I win.
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