"Corynne"...

My cousin laughs at how well i can phsycholanalize (sp?) myself.  It's actually pretty ridiculous.  I know exactly what's wrong with me and why.  So then, begs the question....why don't you stop doing what's bad for you?  Go figure.  So is the case with "Corynne". We agreed that as long as i change her name, she doesnt give a rats patooty what i post and, in fact...there might be some healing in her reading it so...here goes.  Disclaimer:  I'll do my best to paint a tinly little picture that represents the heart of our conversations...

"I'm so sick and tired of abuse.  it keeps showing up in my life so i must be attracting it!  it seems, no matter how a relationship starts off, i position myself to be 'the help'.  I'm so hell bent on being the one that will ' love you right' ....'heal all your hurts'....understand why you do the things you do and not leave like all the rest...that i dont even notice when we make a left.  i guess people are just people and if u give more, they'll take more...the problem is that part of my dysfunction is that i dont place my needs up on the board...you know the soul train scramble board that exists in all relationships that eventually becomes clear as the song and dance unfolds?...yeah, that board.  How i feel, what i like...want...NEED...never seems to get up on the board...the music gets louder and the rhythms become familiar so.." heyyyyyy, that's my jammmmm"...just seems like the natural thing to say, when in fact....i dont even like country western music and cowboy boots hurt my feet.

So then the day comes...sometimes sooner, sometimes later...when i decide...that it hurts too bad...the abuse i mean.  Let me be clear that the abuse isnt always...rather, is hardly ever, physical.  Most of the time, Hell, all the time, it's so sublime, nobody even notices but me...(but why would they...? i wont tell if you dont).  So this is the part when the reader goes..." that's right girl, you dont have to take that...blah blah blah"...well, dont get excited...this decision...doesnt generally dictate any change of action necessarily...i simply decide to at least acknowledge that things dont feel good anymore....then achy braky heart comes on...and the intro is my favorite part, so i slide on my boots...and get back in line..."heyyyyyyy that's my soooooong!!!!"...."