Thursday, November 8, 2012

Semantics? I think not.

About to go to sleep....deciding to go to bed a victor.  No, my glass isnt half full...this isnt about perception, it's about choosing to believe the report of the Lord. 

No deals today... my son is making a complete ASS of himself.  I'm tired.  The money didnt come, and i promised to pay tomorrow.  I havent heard from 'you' ...and i'm feelin a this little cough that is threatening to do something i'm not gonna like.  My room is attrocious and i really need a pedicure.

But....eyes have not seen....ears have not heard, neither has it entered into the hearts of man...the glory that shall be revealed in me...So there you have glass of water needed.  Selah.

Not even worth the read

Throughout the day, i find it necesseary to to say certain things to myself...whether to encourage myself, quiet my mind, aleviate stress, or even to make myself laugh...i'm thinking i'm not the only of the things i just said to myself is..." i bet it would be interesting to actually write down some of the random things you say to yourself throughout the day.. I'll decide at the end of the day whether or not to share it...but for goes....

"He looks much better with his hair cut."
"lose the attitude lynette...he thinks he was being helpful"
"ugh!!! i hate drinking out of plastic, but this water bottle is so cute!"
" I really need a massage!  This knot in my shoulder is giving me the blues...."
"Resist the urge to ask for a massage, cuz you KNOW he will say yes!"
" Jaha is freakin' HILARIOUS!"
" SUCH THINGS LIKE THAT??? c'mon dude.....that's not even KLOSE to right...#imsuchajudger"
"ok, i can do a gallon of water a day if i use this container....plastic notwithstanding" 
"im so awesome for using words like 'notwithstanding' in my thoughts lolololololol"
"oh yeah! i have that crystal light energy stuff in my drawer!  does that make it not water anymore?   whatever..."
" ever since i did that sea salt cleanse in this container, it's  harder to drink out of it...."
" i wanna do it again, but ...ew....cant"
"as big as dat det is, i dont see how anyone is gonna pay dat back"...are you really referring to the national debt as though it's a personal loan that someone actually....pays back....?   um ok.
"it just comes down to who do i think wont screw us the most?"...does the double negative equals positive rule apply to this question?"
" it would be SO STUPID to post this, but i probably will...lolololololol"
" i'm going to be ok without you."
" i can do this,...just keep moving step at a time, i'll be ok"
" really?   of course it's not there.....cuz it would just make too much sense for it to have gone smoothly..." ugh...
" i miss you.
" i musta forgot ta wrote dat down on my notes"....i'm really tryin' here..but ur makin it hard......did u really just say that????
" DO NOT SEND THAT MESSAGE's counterproductive.  The feeling will pass, i promise."
" do we have a reason to be mad at each other right now?"  " if i dont call, will u?"
"when is enough enough?  When, as a mother...have you done enough?....when have you just gone way too far to please your children ? when do you admit to yourself that not only do they not appreciate anything you do, but that it will be YEARS before they even realize your doing anything at all?"  ..How do you not take it personally....????"
" when do you stop typing random stuff on your blog that's not even 'worth the read'? "

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

is He serious???

Do you mean to tell me...that when i sing" i shall not be moved...ill say of the Lord, You are my shield, my strength, my shelter..." etc., He is actually going to hold me to that?  He actually expects me to stand in faith when the storms of life are raging?  Does he know about the wind chill factor???  Has He seen the palm trees bend all the way over...until they actually touch the ground?????? Maybe he is oblivious to the rain...and how cold it is...and then there's the tide....i live really close to sea level, you know...the waves are coming closer and closer ...i mean, c''s just as song, right?  

" Unto whomsoever much is given, much is required...."  it's all finally making sense.  No, i dont have all the answers...i havent arrived...i aint 'deep'...and truthfully...i aint got a 'woooorrrrd' for nobody...but of this one thing, i am certain;  GOD is a very present help in time of need.  All this bible stuff aint just whistlin dixie....i mean, for certain, there aint much to be said for religion...honestly...the drums, the organ, the choirs and the sequins, howbeit entertaining...none of it ever did a thing for me when the weatherman didnt see the "Hurricane Sandy's" in my life comin'....but relationship...intimacy with God...whew....let's just say....' you dont know like i know....what he's done for me!"  this thought incomplete...i'm sure there's more to say....but i dont really have a seamless segway from idea to writing skills are a bit lacking...cuz i just wanna jump to the part of the story where i explain how...ALL HELL SEEMS TO BE BREAKING LOOSE IN MY LIFE....and still...i have joy...and peace...i'm literally smiling on in the inside...cuz i know the end of the story....i win.


I can see clearly now....the rain is gone...
rain of confusion
rain of anger
rain of fear...
rain of distraction
rain of low self image and self pity


I see clearly,

That God has good plans for us...for me, and my children.

B'leeve i'll run on.....

Thursday, November 1, 2012

NaNoWriMo Day cont'd Love Lifted Me...

I was talking to my cousin about, i dont even know what...and she commented on what she perceived to be my strength in going through recent challenges. As much of a 'collar-poppin' , strong black woman, ride or die, we come from good stock moment as it was...the first thing...the only thing that came to mind was " Great is Thy Faithfulness....oh God my Father....there is no shadow of turning with Thee..." Here's the sounds fact, i said as much to my little cuzzo but i'm tellin you...God is faithful.  His love...His presence..His patience with me, has brought me...IS BRINGING me to a place that i never really thought i'd see.

If you've ever been in love....the kind of love that makes you watch the object of your affection in his/her sleep, struggling not to wake them with a kiss...if you can imagine the tenderness of a babies hand gently reaching for the connection of her mother,,,the smell of night blooming jasmine unexpected on a moonlit is the love of my Christ toward me.  Tears wouldnt accurately communicate my absolute appreciation of His affections...His love...lifted me.

There have been the last year and half when i literally could not breathe....when the weight of my circumstances threatened to replace every measure of oxygen in my existence with the thick, smokey darkness of despair...when the searching eyes of my sons forced me to fake a smile....that one dreadful day when my game face...was alll i had...and a fever blister was the straw on the back of the camel that carried my emotional stability...that day...i fell....long and hard...i fell...i cried...i cringed....longing to disappear...i fell....i cried...i cringed...i could not...i would not take anymore...i fell, i cried...i cringed...and then...His love....somehow....lifted me.

Sure, at times it was a friend who couldnt stop me from '' going there" but wouldnt let me "STAY THERE"  that was His love...other times, it was end number one and end number two miraculously meeting that was His love....more times than i'd care to admit it was the 'buy one, get one free king size kit kat' that showed up as His love....NO, I CANT EXPLAIN IT...and i dont expect it to make sense to you but i'm telling you ....when nothing else could  me. 

Listen, i'm only saying all of this to say....there is a relationship to be had....with your Creator....that man can not accurately describe...we can only do the best we can with our finite minds to describe the infinite connection our God created us to have with's late...and i dont even know if i'm making any sense as this point....but just as if you choose to live and die without human connections and relationships, we do ourselves a disservice to not pursue relationship with the One who purposed us from the beginning...before the foundations of the world were framed.....i'm not preaching...i promise...but if i taste an amazing automatic response will be to tell everyone i go try it.....when i went through the drama of high risk pregnancy, my then husband 'yves' was amazing as was the care i received at i told it on the mountain !  That's what we do right?  Silver and gold.....aintgotit!!!  but what i do have....'...give i unto thee '....There is a balm in Gilead....goodnight.

NaNoWriMo...Ok then, here we go!

If someone would have told me that on this day, November 1st 2012, at 11:45 am, i would be sitting behind a desk on the phone...selling merchant services....if anyone wouldve told me that one of my sons would be in placement and the other would be doing much of what is in his power to get himself incarcerated, i would have laughed myself into a coma.  I wouldnt have even been able to take them seriously enough to be offended. Honestly, if someone would have even suggested that "Yves" and I would be separated, and that he wouldve all but disappeared for the last six months, I may have paused for a second...but my response would have certainly been...naaaaaah!  He wouldnt leave his, maybe...but not his boys.

There is so much about my life today that i dont understand, but i have learned to be ok in that space.  it's not a space of ignorance, or one of apathy; rather it is a space of faith, of trust that 'whatever my lot, is well'.  I'm learning so much about my worth, my value, my position in God's heart that the things i dont know, that i dont understand still make sense in that, He loves me and has only good plans for me.  I heard Joyce Meyer say this morning that she wouldnt trade her past because if she had to sacrifice her present, shed do it all over again....and that, made sense to me. 

I often ponder the number of lives i've lived."Rodney", "Favio", "Yves"...and those are the subtitles i dare type, the ones you guys wont judge me for, but they dont near chronicle my journey.  There have been loves, likes, dysfunctional connections and most importantly dear, dear friendships, lifelong bonds that i have experienced that cause me to state with passionate resolve, " i wouldnt trade nothin' for my journey"

I fear the details of what brought me to this place would bore you.  Well, maye not, but  I'm just damn tired of tellin the story...all of it.  I'm tired of yesterday, yes, it has some value but only inasmuch as it brought me my children, so much laughter, and these four grey eyelashes but other than least for now, i have had it with yesterday.  I will, however, credit days past with a a phenomenon that i am becoming increasingly proud of...NO!

I am learning the beauty of  "no".  Not just "no, i cant do that for you", or "no i dont have it", but  "no...i wont allow that into my space"..."no, i'm not going to allow you to make me feel that", "NO, I WONT ACCEPT THAT AS THE TRUTH ABOUT ME!!!"..."no"...what a beautifully annointed word.  I just got off a call, that for all intents and purposes should've changed my emotional climate at least for a while; but because of this one syllable, two letter vowel, one consenant...i'm good.  I'm at peace....and i'm really really proud of that.  To make reference to Joyce's statement, if it took all i've been through, to get me to the place where i can close the door on the bullshit...gracefully say 'no, thank you' to the drama...and mean it????!!! Then baaaaaayyybbbeeeeee.....TICK TACK, NO TRADE BACKS!!! I'd do it all again. (562)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I acquiesque...

Wednesday's smile...the one i pulled down from the top of the closet, dusted off and decide to adorne despite it's dated hue is a favorite of mine....this particular smile is a favorite because although it admittedly has been around a few seasons it shall i say.....broken in.  It fits.  You see, this smile...has been through some thangs.  It has weathered enough storms to know exactly how long before the dawn approaches and is mature enough to have grown...selfless.  This smile...has purpose.  I put it on when i wake up in the morning decidedly unselfish and wanna see somebody else least for a moment. The other thing i like...about this smile...i didnt quite notice the first couple of wears....this smile is seasoned with discernment...this smile can feel the cry of another lonely soul...empathize with the plight of the average passerby without sharing more than a was one of these "wednesday smile" days that 'she' begged me...with her write.

" i havent talked to her in three days..."...I asked who she was talking about...poised...pen to paper waiting for answers locked in chamber waiting to explode into unknowing, judgemental atmosphere and mortally wound religious expectations.  "i finally told her....that i cant do it anymore...i finally stood up...i opened my mouth, and i said it.  We both knew it was coming but today...i said it.  i said no....the problem with that is she's gone.  I dont know if she's coming back...and i dont know what i'll do if she doesnt."  I wanted to ask more questions....suggest that maybe if she started from the beginning, it would be helpful but i realized i was being selfish.  I wanted clarity, to follow the carnal curiosity longed for the entertainment of her tragedy...ashamed of this truth, i waited in silence...for her to continue.
" I saw grey's anatomy...and i saw a couple, that reminded me of us...but not really.  I wanted it to, but i realized the couple I was watching on tv...they didnt make each other miserable.  constantly trying to change each other,  desperately clinging to what could be but never really is, we fight...and fight...and fight...we make up and for a few weeks...we pretend the the intermission is the actual show and that we wont be fighting again before the next scene ends.  The truth is...although she would love for me to be ' the one '...i'm not what she wants me to be...i have too many rules...although i gave up my rights, i'm haunted by my wrongs and on those days that i'm not...she wont let me forget that i'm flawed. You see, the women on greys anatomy....well, they werent hung up on the fact that they were both women...and frankly...neither am i...our issues...are irreconcilable irrespective of gender  they exist in addition to the would be obvious challenges..."  I extend apologies for having to leave early but offered to meet her later on on the evening to offer passified  her but her need for emotional release overpowered her rational and she turned...and walked away.

We met a couple days later.  I hadnt been able to reach her until now.  This time...i started by asking her name..."does it matter?" she asked, dryly.  Since it actually didnt, i took out my laptop, opened it, and sat in silence until she spoke. "Today, it got real.  I confided in my brother how much i was missing her but all he could remember was how often i cried over the last year and a sad and frustrated i always seemed, and he attempted to remind me that it was for the best...finally when i couldnt take it anymore i sent her a text....saying again that i missed her and that this was really hard.  The response i got told me this was was real.....  Her response was resovled and absolute.  She said she loved me and that she was trying to create a space....where i could fit in her life...but that she did not know how to do that or how long it would take...i didnt want to understand or to feel the finality of her response, but i did.  it's real. it's over. what's so crazy is that i have so much going much to do, i should be relieved....but I'M NOT! I'M NOT RELIEVED, I'M SAD...AND ANXIOUS....AND UNSURE....because i love her!!!!!!! and because i'm dysfunctional and  broken and afraid and i havent decided that i will be ok....without her."  It seemed like an hour had passed since her last word but i just felt like it would be disrespectful to close the laptop, or to attempt to conclude the moment for i waited.  It had actually only been 15 minutes but i was preoccupied with trying to figure out how this beautiful, unnamed woman managed to buckle right there in front of me without shedding a tear, or changing her expression....her last sentenced cried....and i was afraid with her.