Monday, September 26, 2011

Is it ?

When peace like a river attendeth my way...when sorrows like sea billows roll...whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to is well...with my soul.   or is it?

"woke up this mornin' with my mind...staaayyyyyed on Jesuuuuus"...did i? did u? and if we sing along...when the rest of the congretation sings...are we lying?

I guess what i'm sayin' is...the songs are nice...the melodies beautiful, and at the right's a joyful noise, it?  We sing songs cuz our grandmothers sang them. We clap...cuz the drum is playin'....and we dance...we dance if sister so and so is dancin cuz..." i dont want her to think i ain't saved "...." God forbid she find out i'm goin' thru somethin'" some point, i cant say when...the songs became real for me..." i've had some good days..." the groanings which cannot be uttered became my mantra...and the closed eyes and chin tilted upward my permanent position.  " I sing because i'm happy..."

The gap between black folk 'praisin' Him' and 'white folks worship'...slimmed till it was bridged and i became preoccupied with songs of freedom.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


It isnt often that i actually sit in silence.  Kids, work, cell fone, laptop, tv...It's almost as if i've become afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

I often joke that there is a proverbial reader board that is constantly running like subtitles at the bottom of the screen of my life.  No matter what i'm doing, no matter what is going on...the reader board runs, reminding me of my next responsibility, driving me to my next location, threatening over missed appointments and opportunities...even taunting me about past present and future failures.  No matter what...always the reader board...

In this moment...of silence...i realize that the still, small comforting voice of God is mostly drowned out by the hustle, bustle, and imagined urgencies of my life.  The reader board that deprives me of peace ...could not have been installed by a loving Shephard because He leads...He does not drive...or coerce...or pressure...or shame me into action.

In this moment...I am pondering decisions...I am standing at the beginning of a crossroad wondering....the odd thing is that the roads are clearly Life...the other...Death....why is it so difficult to choose?  There is a way that seems right to me...and God's Word clearly says that way...ends in my why is it so hard to choose..???  If you are reading this...and thinking that i am a fool...thinking that if it were you, u would know which way to go....just keep on living.

In actuality, i have chosen death over and over...each time i've rebelled..each time i've chosen "who's right" as opposed to "what's right"...i have chosen death...each time i let fear dictate my next move or emotions rule my life...the choice was struggle, no reluctance..." i'll take door number 1"..."i'll take 'pleasure' for 100.00 Bob"..."what is...'i'll do it my way' ?  yes, that's my final answer!"...the difference between those times...and that i'm being honest...being real with the decision set before me....and i choose LIFE.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Ouch, that hurts!

....I just found out...that i'm angry. 

I actually had to let that sentence sit...alone...and read it a few times, without explaining it away...without qualifying it...without denying it. I'm angry.  During a mentor call, as i was doing my usual "performance", i was stopped in my tracks by the reality that I...AM....ANGRY. ( i've been typing for almost five minutes and i've only gotten this far because i keep deleting and starting again...why is this so difficult to address?)  As i'm typing i'm noticing the anxiety over...who might be reading this..."will they think i'm talking about them?"  "will they be mad at me?" "will they understand that i was just trying to...?" I didnt even know...that i was angry. 

I've called my anger many things...but mostly i've internalized and blamed myself for the violations and betrayals that are so commonplace that they masquerade as 'jokes' and get to sit at the dinner table.  They get invited to family functions and fit comfortably in shirt pockets and coach bags ready to be applied like antibiotic ointment to those ' not so bad cuts' that just wont seem to heal....i've chosen asthma attacks over a punching bag and chocolate chip cookies over journaling for far too long.  Today, in an effort to clear these 43 year old lungs i say out loud..." ouch!  that hurts!!!!

Ayanla Vanzant suggested i "call the foul" and i thought we had a deal.  She explained that although i cant always do anything about it, being able to at least call the foul is not only healthy but necessary.  When i read that passage in "Acts of Faith" so many years ago, i promised myself that i would do that. I said that i wouldnt allow pain to set in and fester because i didnt at least acknowledge that i had been wronged.  In this moment, i realize that a commitment like that cant be made just once. I have to commit to being committed. :)

God is faithful...and in this season, i am reminded again to call the foul, at least internally....acknowledge the hurt....forgive...SET that true forgiveness and healing can occur...and then find a release for my anger...punching bag isnt really my style...and although blogging rocks...i need something more physical.  I'm still woring on what that release should be but i get it...i'm angry...and that's ok. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Where the rubber meets the road...

The powerful thing about that often times, it's where the rubber meets the road.  pen to paper is where you are face to face with your reality.  i was asked to meditate and journal about the following ...
i will to trust the Lord, i will to humble myself, I will to be obedient to the Lord, and i will to fear the Lord....The challenge is to consider...REALLY consider the areas in my life where i am not using my will to line my life up with Gods word and His plan for my life...this, my friends, is where the rubber meets the road.  Once i actually ponder it...and write it down...I can see clearly where i am CHOOSING do to things my way...and whether it  had been previously acknowledged before...the choice will once again be before me....this time excuses...

When rereading the paragraph above it came to me that the reality check that comes from journaling is also a choice....i can fill a whole book with my 'victim version' of life...and feel sorry for myself folly...OR...i can choose to " keep it 100 "...the latter option is the door behind which change, restoration, and my destiny awaits....gnight.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Positioned for progress

Because God is not the author of confusion, i wont say i'm confused right now.  i will, however, say i dont know what to do.  i learned tonight that the concept of " following my heart" has gotten me into a whole heap of krap in my lifetime...this season, being no exception!

My emotions are lawless...they have to be tamed...THEY ARE NOT TO BE FOLLOWED....THEY ARE NOT TO GOVERN OR DICTATE MY i'm typing makes perfect sense, however most of the time, i'm floating around from happy face to happy face in a never ending quest for peace....i'm sure i'm babbling right now, so let me try to make this least somewhat understandable.

I'm taking an 8 week course at IC Church's Wednesday night university.  Although tonight was only week 1, i can already see where i've fallen short.  Fortunately, God only reveals things to me...about that i can change...and move closer to the plans He has for me.  I wont pretend that this particular blog entry is flowing clearly from one thought to another as i hope future entries will...i'm just tired...and i wanted to take a at least try to share...i'm seein me...and i dont look so good...the question is...WHAT NOW LORD?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

" God has a sense of humor? "

First thing this morning... a harmless joke turned into offense...not because of intent...but because of a very common misconception in churches today...let me start by saying that my posts...will always be just that...MY THOUGHTS...MY POSTS....i share from my place of hopes of giving another perspective...freedom always being the ultimate objective.

The joke i made, referred to a "doily" worn on the head of a family member.  Although i understand the religious reverence of said 'doily', the family member and i joke about it all the time.  Not only do we have a very close relationship, but we are both believers.  I have a deep respect for her observance of faith, and she knows this. 

My joke, however, sent other family members into a religious tailspin...even those who DONT EVEN GO TO CHURCH, much less don doilies!!! The conversation progressed to me mentioning that God had a sense of humor...WHY DID I SAY THAT???? "The bible says not to joke or jester".....WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT????  how ...please someone...tell me HOW...could i be created in God's image...and have a sense of humor....and that not come from AM NOT SAYING THAT MY SIN...comes from God....but every good and perfect gift comes from above...and i dont know about you, but a gift!!  Should i really believe that everytime i 'lol' i'm in sin???

A sense of a sense of proportion.  I am constantly learning not to take myself so seriously.  laughter has helped me through some of the toughest times in life...and it's sad...very sad to think of a faith that would deprive me of the gift of laughter....even sadder to think of serving a solemn God...who sits in heaven waiting to zap me for making a joke...

should i have simply kept my ' joke ' to myself..? probably.  Should i have continued to respond with anything other than an apology once i realized i had offended them...probably not....but folks...i really couldnt believe it....this concludes my first official blog.....blogworthy? maybe not.....insightful? perhaps.  Funny...probably.  :)  blessings...