Tuesday, October 16, 2012

I acquiesque...

Wednesday's smile...the one i pulled down from the top of the closet, dusted off and decide to adorne despite it's dated hue is a favorite of mine....this particular smile is a favorite because although it admittedly has been around a few seasons it is....how shall i say.....broken in.  It fits.  You see, this smile...has been through some thangs.  It has weathered enough storms to know exactly how long before the dawn approaches and is mature enough to have grown...selfless.  This smile...has purpose.  I put it on when i wake up in the morning decidedly unselfish and wanna see somebody else smile...at least for a moment. The other thing i like...about this smile...i didnt quite notice the first couple of wears....this smile is seasoned with discernment...this smile can feel the cry of another lonely soul...empathize with the plight of the average passerby without sharing more than a glance...it was one of these "wednesday smile" days that 'she' begged me...with her eyes...to stop....to listen...to write.

" i havent talked to her in three days..."...I asked who she was talking about...poised...pen to paper waiting for answers locked in chamber waiting to explode into unknowing, judgemental atmosphere and mortally wound religious expectations.  "i finally told her....that i cant do it anymore...i finally stood up...i opened my mouth, and i said it.  We both knew it was coming but today...i said it.  i said no....the problem with that is ...now she's gone.  I dont know if she's coming back...and i dont know what i'll do if she doesnt."  I wanted to ask more questions....suggest that maybe if she started from the beginning, it would be helpful but i realized i was being selfish.  I wanted clarity, to follow the story...my carnal curiosity longed for the entertainment of her tragedy...ashamed of this truth, i waited in silence...for her to continue.
" I saw grey's anatomy...and i saw a couple, that reminded me of us...but not really.  I wanted it to, but i realized the couple I was watching on tv...they didnt make each other miserable.  constantly trying to change each other,  desperately clinging to what could be but never really is, we fight...and fight...and fight...we make up and for a few weeks...we pretend the the intermission is the actual show and that we wont be fighting again before the next scene ends.  The truth is...although she would love for me to be ' the one '...i'm not what she wants me to be...i have too many rules...although i gave up my rights, i'm haunted by my wrongs and on those days that i'm not...she wont let me forget that i'm flawed. You see, the women on greys anatomy....well, they werent hung up on the fact that they were both women...and frankly...neither am i...our issues...are irreconcilable irrespective of gender  they exist in addition to the would be obvious challenges..."  I extend apologies for having to leave early but offered to meet her later on on the evening to continue...my offer passified  her but her need for emotional release overpowered her rational and she turned...and walked away.

We met a couple days later.  I hadnt been able to reach her until now.  This time...i started by asking her name..."does it matter?" she asked, dryly.  Since it actually didnt, i took out my laptop, opened it, and sat in silence until she spoke. "Today, it got real.  I confided in my brother how much i was missing her but all he could remember was how often i cried over the last year and a half...how sad and frustrated i always seemed, and he attempted to remind me that it was for the best...finally when i couldnt take it anymore i sent her a text....saying again that i missed her and that this was really hard.  The response i got told me this was it...it was real.....  Her response was resovled and absolute.  She said she loved me and that she was trying to create a space....where i could fit in her life...but that she did not know how to do that or how long it would take...i didnt want to understand or to feel the finality of her response, but i did.  it's real. it's over. what's so crazy is that i have so much going on...so much to do, i should be relieved....but I'M NOT! I'M NOT RELIEVED, I'M SAD...AND ANXIOUS....AND UNSURE....because i love her!!!!!!! and because i'm dysfunctional and  broken and afraid and i havent decided that i will be ok....without her."  It seemed like an hour had passed since her last word but i just felt like it would be disrespectful to move...to close the laptop, or to attempt to conclude the moment for her...so i waited.  It had actually only been 15 minutes but i was preoccupied with trying to figure out how this beautiful, unnamed woman managed to weep....to buckle right there in front of me without shedding a tear, or changing her expression....her last sentenced cried....and i was afraid with her.