Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Callin' names

As the year closes...i cant help but think about the people in my for various reasons keep me afloat.  Though ambiguity has its place...sometimes...we need to name names.

Picture this... your best friend finally got that book published that you stayed up nights listening to passages from...constantly encouraging her that she was good enough and that people cared what she had to carefully open the first autographed off the read the introduction and only slightly smile when you read..." to those of you who stayed up with know who you are"...How much better would you have felt if that intro said...." to my best friend Robin...thanks for sitting up with me..."....feel me?

so...although i wont go into much detail...i do want to actually name names...why?  not sure..but it's been bubbling over in me so...i'm gonna do it.  This year has had turns that i definitely didnt see coming....and without the help of certain people in my life...i wouldve run smack dab into a cliff...well....i kinda did run into a few cliffs as a matter of fact...but there are those who helped me nurse my wounds...others who listened to me complain how bad it hurt....others who laughed with me about how ridiculous i looked in the bandages...
There are those who articulated how much they wished i'd let them help me to navigate better so that i'd avoid the cliff in the first place...those who pledge there committment to loving me through it and holding my hand (if i'm willing to take it) and mentoring me clean out of this foreign land that i made a wrong turn and ended up in...So here goes...If you read this...and you dont see your name...charge it to my head...not my heart....but if you've been here during this season...YOU KNOW IT!

Diane Abergel
Andrell Hunter
Chelle York
Amanda Yancee
Camille Lewis-Francis
Jaha Zainabu
Deana Reed
Michele James
Spencer Allen
Bernadette Moore
Felicia Edgemond

I cant...well i wont... list specifically...each persons place...or what they've done..or justify their existence on the list if YOU dont think they should be there...but i will say...definitively...that i do thank God for each one of you...because i have learned and benefited so much...from even the smallest word...or hug...or smile....or thought that you have provoked... or action that you have inspired....Blessings to you...and should the seasons change...and you not be in my least not in this capacity in the upcoming year....know that you are loved, and appreciated.

Saturday, December 10, 2011


My cousin laughs at how well i can phsycholanalize (sp?) myself.  It's actually pretty ridiculous.  I know exactly what's wrong with me and why.  So then, begs the question....why don't you stop doing what's bad for you?  Go figure.  So is the case with "Corynne". We agreed that as long as i change her name, she doesnt give a rats patooty what i post and, in fact...there might be some healing in her reading it goes.  Disclaimer:  I'll do my best to paint a tinly little picture that represents the heart of our conversations...

"I'm so sick and tired of abuse.  it keeps showing up in my life so i must be attracting it!  it seems, no matter how a relationship starts off, i position myself to be 'the help'.  I'm so hell bent on being the one that will ' love you right' ....'heal all your hurts'....understand why you do the things you do and not leave like all the rest...that i dont even notice when we make a left.  i guess people are just people and if u give more, they'll take more...the problem is that part of my dysfunction is that i dont place my needs up on the know the soul train scramble board that exists in all relationships that eventually becomes clear as the song and dance unfolds?...yeah, that board.  How i feel, what i like...want...NEED...never seems to get up on the board...the music gets louder and the rhythms become familiar so.." heyyyyyy, that's my jammmmm"...just seems like the natural thing to say, when in fact....i dont even like country western music and cowboy boots hurt my feet.

So then the day comes...sometimes sooner, sometimes later...when i decide...that it hurts too bad...the abuse i mean.  Let me be clear that the abuse isnt always...rather, is hardly ever, physical.  Most of the time, Hell, all the time, it's so sublime, nobody even notices but me...(but why would they...? i wont tell if you dont).  So this is the part when the reader goes..." that's right girl, you dont have to take that...blah blah blah"...well, dont get excited...this decision...doesnt generally dictate any change of action necessarily...i simply decide to at least acknowledge that things dont feel good anymore....then achy braky heart comes on...and the intro is my favorite part, so i slide on my boots...and get back in line..."heyyyyyyy that's my soooooong!!!!"...."

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Waiting Here for You...

...I'm writing now...simply because...if i dont....i'll scream.

I left high...really glad i went...encouraged and ready for the next round....or so i thought.  The kids stink attitudes and false sense of entitlement...the crowded streets...the crazy drivers...the unfair measures at the store ( which i discover only once i'm at home ), undone chores, and rebellious pets...( yes, even the dogs...)....have in one hour...drained me.

I just wanted to come a warm house...get a few thing done and enjoy the rest of my struggle...i didnt even ask for appreciation, or companionship, or a phonecall, or a smile....i just didnt want to be sad....but of course...i'm forgetting...i have an adversary.

I understand that Joy is a decision...and that i have to i'm fighting.  Even typing this is one small kick, or punch, or small step toward reclaiming my day.  It's all so very challenging...but i read the end of the book...I win.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


...are so unfair...

Unfair to the one who got ambushed...but even more unfair to the unknowing soul who accidently said the thing that reminded you of your mother... or... laughed in that condescending way that aunt so and so used to right before she reminded you that you would never be as smart as cousin whatshername....
..ok dont know what i'm talking about...i'm the only one with triggers...right.

The unfortunate think about these 'triggers' is that they steal, kill, and destroy.  They point to unforgiveness of the past...they remind you of hurts that are surpressed...buried, ignored...but still very much alive.  New relationships, thriving friendships are jeopardized because of wounds that were inflicted long ago....

Right now love...right now companionship and present communication hang in the balance while we wrestle with yesterday.  C'mon Lynette...get over it already.

Monday, October 10, 2011


I've never considered myself passive. 


The unwillingness to engage in certain parts of my life...the reluctance to stand up and say "no", this is not ok...the hesitance to at least raise an arm to block the blow or a shield to reflect the proberbial arrow would most definitely be considered...passivity.

Are the "why's" even important?  Perhaps for the adobo of the meat or the sazon con azafran added to the mundane of cheap rice cuz the parboiled was too expensive...maybe so that my blog is somethin' worth readin' or maybe just so the reader wont think i'm a punk...maybe the why's are important.  In actuality, the "why" matters cuz what God reveals, He heals but how often do we ever get to the "why"???  Some of my "why's" go way back...and some...some are still whistlin' like the kettle on Clifton place waiting to make that perfect cup of tea...for example...

Why do i let "you" say things to hurt me over and over again and then still come when you call?  Why do i take the abuse cuz i feel like i deserve it for "makin" you love me and not being able to be everything you need...? Why, instead of at least slowly building some sort of fortress to shelter my heart...or at least constructing a temporary wall or makeshift tent that might withstand at least the first part of the storm, do i stand by and watch you build your castle, dig ur moat, fill it with crocodiles and lube up the chain on your drawbridge when i KNOW what side of it i'll be left on ???

And YOU....if i even begin to ask the why's that weave in and out of our 'get down'...whew...that's all i'm gonna say about that...cuz sacred and i promised not to go there.

Why did i even meet "you"?  Yes, you are wonderful, but why do i let you think that you were perfect and except the entire responsibility for your broken heart when the truth is you are not all you think you are...and you cant be what you think you can be...not to me, anyway...not for me.  I understand that you want to...and it's because of that sincerity that i dont tell you that your pain is always showing.  Your brokenness is always the one that opens my car door when i arrive and starts an argument when i try to leave....and yes, i'd like to be the one to fix that for you but ....i cant....and that's the real reason that there is no "us" least not now.

and You....what are you doing here?  well, i've been here all along, but why now? why like this?  where is this going?  i cant ...i wont take on the responsibility of another heart looking for a home that wanders into my tree hugging arms...i know that sounds cold but in this on THIS is what it is...

As is usually the case...this entry has taken on a life of its own so in an effort to maintain some semblance of sanity, i'm going to reign it in now...also, like any good mystery, the names in this story ...the dates...and the recollections have been intentionally revised to protect the innocent...or the guilty...:) so if you are reading this...and wondering if i'm talking about you...perhaps i am...or...maybe i'm not...either way rest the big scheme of doesnt even matter....does it?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

I choose.

Change is hard...but not changing is harder! when i look back on the drama that is the last six months of my life, i almost cant believe the main character i'm cheering on is me.  Twists and turns...more downs than ups....and countless...literally countless tears chronical an otherwise unenventful existence.  The most interesting  part of the sentence i just typed is that right after the word became a complete lie. My life has been alot of things...uneventful notsomuch.  I've been around the world and ayiayiayi...( pronounced i i i ) i've met some amazing people....and some not so amazing ones.  I have loved and been loved and i'm not even half way done...but i digress.

Where were we?  Oh yes...I was talking about the last six months...or rather the fact that this is a new day...a new month, a new season.  Good and bad choices and the consequences thereof are what's left of yesterday.  Determination marks start of tomorrow.  In this moment, i am choosing perspective.  The facts are the same but i get to decide whether to embrace Truth or lies.  The facts are as follows;  I have made a series of bad decisions.  Because of those decisions, nothing will ever be the same.  Another fact is that i am only responsible for my choices and i did not arrive at this place alone.  i have also become painfully aware of how my choices affect my children and for this, i am sorry.  Now for the Truth.  1. God has good plans for me...ONLY good plans for me.  2.  No weapon formed against me, however clever, sublime, or well disguised shall prosper.  It is not possible.  Even what is meant to cause me harm can only work together for my good. This is Truth and i choose to embrace it with everything i have.  I will embrace it, believe it and walk it out .

There is more to this declaration...but i also pause.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Is it ?

When peace like a river attendeth my way...when sorrows like sea billows roll...whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to is well...with my soul.   or is it?

"woke up this mornin' with my mind...staaayyyyyed on Jesuuuuus"...did i? did u? and if we sing along...when the rest of the congretation sings...are we lying?

I guess what i'm sayin' is...the songs are nice...the melodies beautiful, and at the right's a joyful noise, it?  We sing songs cuz our grandmothers sang them. We clap...cuz the drum is playin'....and we dance...we dance if sister so and so is dancin cuz..." i dont want her to think i ain't saved "...." God forbid she find out i'm goin' thru somethin'" some point, i cant say when...the songs became real for me..." i've had some good days..." the groanings which cannot be uttered became my mantra...and the closed eyes and chin tilted upward my permanent position.  " I sing because i'm happy..."

The gap between black folk 'praisin' Him' and 'white folks worship'...slimmed till it was bridged and i became preoccupied with songs of freedom.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


It isnt often that i actually sit in silence.  Kids, work, cell fone, laptop, tv...It's almost as if i've become afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

I often joke that there is a proverbial reader board that is constantly running like subtitles at the bottom of the screen of my life.  No matter what i'm doing, no matter what is going on...the reader board runs, reminding me of my next responsibility, driving me to my next location, threatening over missed appointments and opportunities...even taunting me about past present and future failures.  No matter what...always the reader board...

In this moment...of silence...i realize that the still, small comforting voice of God is mostly drowned out by the hustle, bustle, and imagined urgencies of my life.  The reader board that deprives me of peace ...could not have been installed by a loving Shephard because He leads...He does not drive...or coerce...or pressure...or shame me into action.

In this moment...I am pondering decisions...I am standing at the beginning of a crossroad wondering....the odd thing is that the roads are clearly Life...the other...Death....why is it so difficult to choose?  There is a way that seems right to me...and God's Word clearly says that way...ends in my why is it so hard to choose..???  If you are reading this...and thinking that i am a fool...thinking that if it were you, u would know which way to go....just keep on living.

In actuality, i have chosen death over and over...each time i've rebelled..each time i've chosen "who's right" as opposed to "what's right"...i have chosen death...each time i let fear dictate my next move or emotions rule my life...the choice was struggle, no reluctance..." i'll take door number 1"..."i'll take 'pleasure' for 100.00 Bob"..."what is...'i'll do it my way' ?  yes, that's my final answer!"...the difference between those times...and that i'm being honest...being real with the decision set before me....and i choose LIFE.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Ouch, that hurts!

....I just found out...that i'm angry. 

I actually had to let that sentence sit...alone...and read it a few times, without explaining it away...without qualifying it...without denying it. I'm angry.  During a mentor call, as i was doing my usual "performance", i was stopped in my tracks by the reality that I...AM....ANGRY. ( i've been typing for almost five minutes and i've only gotten this far because i keep deleting and starting again...why is this so difficult to address?)  As i'm typing i'm noticing the anxiety over...who might be reading this..."will they think i'm talking about them?"  "will they be mad at me?" "will they understand that i was just trying to...?" I didnt even know...that i was angry. 

I've called my anger many things...but mostly i've internalized and blamed myself for the violations and betrayals that are so commonplace that they masquerade as 'jokes' and get to sit at the dinner table.  They get invited to family functions and fit comfortably in shirt pockets and coach bags ready to be applied like antibiotic ointment to those ' not so bad cuts' that just wont seem to heal....i've chosen asthma attacks over a punching bag and chocolate chip cookies over journaling for far too long.  Today, in an effort to clear these 43 year old lungs i say out loud..." ouch!  that hurts!!!!

Ayanla Vanzant suggested i "call the foul" and i thought we had a deal.  She explained that although i cant always do anything about it, being able to at least call the foul is not only healthy but necessary.  When i read that passage in "Acts of Faith" so many years ago, i promised myself that i would do that. I said that i wouldnt allow pain to set in and fester because i didnt at least acknowledge that i had been wronged.  In this moment, i realize that a commitment like that cant be made just once. I have to commit to being committed. :)

God is faithful...and in this season, i am reminded again to call the foul, at least internally....acknowledge the hurt....forgive...SET that true forgiveness and healing can occur...and then find a release for my anger...punching bag isnt really my style...and although blogging rocks...i need something more physical.  I'm still woring on what that release should be but i get it...i'm angry...and that's ok. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Where the rubber meets the road...

The powerful thing about that often times, it's where the rubber meets the road.  pen to paper is where you are face to face with your reality.  i was asked to meditate and journal about the following ...
i will to trust the Lord, i will to humble myself, I will to be obedient to the Lord, and i will to fear the Lord....The challenge is to consider...REALLY consider the areas in my life where i am not using my will to line my life up with Gods word and His plan for my life...this, my friends, is where the rubber meets the road.  Once i actually ponder it...and write it down...I can see clearly where i am CHOOSING do to things my way...and whether it  had been previously acknowledged before...the choice will once again be before me....this time excuses...

When rereading the paragraph above it came to me that the reality check that comes from journaling is also a choice....i can fill a whole book with my 'victim version' of life...and feel sorry for myself folly...OR...i can choose to " keep it 100 "...the latter option is the door behind which change, restoration, and my destiny awaits....gnight.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Positioned for progress

Because God is not the author of confusion, i wont say i'm confused right now.  i will, however, say i dont know what to do.  i learned tonight that the concept of " following my heart" has gotten me into a whole heap of krap in my lifetime...this season, being no exception!

My emotions are lawless...they have to be tamed...THEY ARE NOT TO BE FOLLOWED....THEY ARE NOT TO GOVERN OR DICTATE MY i'm typing makes perfect sense, however most of the time, i'm floating around from happy face to happy face in a never ending quest for peace....i'm sure i'm babbling right now, so let me try to make this least somewhat understandable.

I'm taking an 8 week course at IC Church's Wednesday night university.  Although tonight was only week 1, i can already see where i've fallen short.  Fortunately, God only reveals things to me...about that i can change...and move closer to the plans He has for me.  I wont pretend that this particular blog entry is flowing clearly from one thought to another as i hope future entries will...i'm just tired...and i wanted to take a at least try to share...i'm seein me...and i dont look so good...the question is...WHAT NOW LORD?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

" God has a sense of humor? "

First thing this morning... a harmless joke turned into offense...not because of intent...but because of a very common misconception in churches today...let me start by saying that my posts...will always be just that...MY THOUGHTS...MY POSTS....i share from my place of hopes of giving another perspective...freedom always being the ultimate objective.

The joke i made, referred to a "doily" worn on the head of a family member.  Although i understand the religious reverence of said 'doily', the family member and i joke about it all the time.  Not only do we have a very close relationship, but we are both believers.  I have a deep respect for her observance of faith, and she knows this. 

My joke, however, sent other family members into a religious tailspin...even those who DONT EVEN GO TO CHURCH, much less don doilies!!! The conversation progressed to me mentioning that God had a sense of humor...WHY DID I SAY THAT???? "The bible says not to joke or jester".....WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT????  how ...please someone...tell me HOW...could i be created in God's image...and have a sense of humor....and that not come from AM NOT SAYING THAT MY SIN...comes from God....but every good and perfect gift comes from above...and i dont know about you, but a gift!!  Should i really believe that everytime i 'lol' i'm in sin???

A sense of a sense of proportion.  I am constantly learning not to take myself so seriously.  laughter has helped me through some of the toughest times in life...and it's sad...very sad to think of a faith that would deprive me of the gift of laughter....even sadder to think of serving a solemn God...who sits in heaven waiting to zap me for making a joke...

should i have simply kept my ' joke ' to myself..? probably.  Should i have continued to respond with anything other than an apology once i realized i had offended them...probably not....but folks...i really couldnt believe it....this concludes my first official blog.....blogworthy? maybe not.....insightful? perhaps.  Funny...probably.  :)  blessings...