Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Callin' names

As the year closes...i cant help but think about the people in my for various reasons keep me afloat.  Though ambiguity has its place...sometimes...we need to name names.

Picture this... your best friend finally got that book published that you stayed up nights listening to passages from...constantly encouraging her that she was good enough and that people cared what she had to carefully open the first autographed off the read the introduction and only slightly smile when you read..." to those of you who stayed up with know who you are"...How much better would you have felt if that intro said...." to my best friend Robin...thanks for sitting up with me..."....feel me?

so...although i wont go into much detail...i do want to actually name names...why?  not sure..but it's been bubbling over in me so...i'm gonna do it.  This year has had turns that i definitely didnt see coming....and without the help of certain people in my life...i wouldve run smack dab into a cliff...well....i kinda did run into a few cliffs as a matter of fact...but there are those who helped me nurse my wounds...others who listened to me complain how bad it hurt....others who laughed with me about how ridiculous i looked in the bandages...
There are those who articulated how much they wished i'd let them help me to navigate better so that i'd avoid the cliff in the first place...those who pledge there committment to loving me through it and holding my hand (if i'm willing to take it) and mentoring me clean out of this foreign land that i made a wrong turn and ended up in...So here goes...If you read this...and you dont see your name...charge it to my head...not my heart....but if you've been here during this season...YOU KNOW IT!

Diane Abergel
Andrell Hunter
Chelle York
Amanda Yancee
Camille Lewis-Francis
Jaha Zainabu
Deana Reed
Michele James
Spencer Allen
Bernadette Moore
Felicia Edgemond

I cant...well i wont... list specifically...each persons place...or what they've done..or justify their existence on the list if YOU dont think they should be there...but i will say...definitively...that i do thank God for each one of you...because i have learned and benefited so much...from even the smallest word...or hug...or smile....or thought that you have provoked... or action that you have inspired....Blessings to you...and should the seasons change...and you not be in my least not in this capacity in the upcoming year....know that you are loved, and appreciated.

Saturday, December 10, 2011


My cousin laughs at how well i can phsycholanalize (sp?) myself.  It's actually pretty ridiculous.  I know exactly what's wrong with me and why.  So then, begs the question....why don't you stop doing what's bad for you?  Go figure.  So is the case with "Corynne". We agreed that as long as i change her name, she doesnt give a rats patooty what i post and, in fact...there might be some healing in her reading it goes.  Disclaimer:  I'll do my best to paint a tinly little picture that represents the heart of our conversations...

"I'm so sick and tired of abuse.  it keeps showing up in my life so i must be attracting it!  it seems, no matter how a relationship starts off, i position myself to be 'the help'.  I'm so hell bent on being the one that will ' love you right' ....'heal all your hurts'....understand why you do the things you do and not leave like all the rest...that i dont even notice when we make a left.  i guess people are just people and if u give more, they'll take more...the problem is that part of my dysfunction is that i dont place my needs up on the know the soul train scramble board that exists in all relationships that eventually becomes clear as the song and dance unfolds?...yeah, that board.  How i feel, what i like...want...NEED...never seems to get up on the board...the music gets louder and the rhythms become familiar so.." heyyyyyy, that's my jammmmm"...just seems like the natural thing to say, when in fact....i dont even like country western music and cowboy boots hurt my feet.

So then the day comes...sometimes sooner, sometimes later...when i decide...that it hurts too bad...the abuse i mean.  Let me be clear that the abuse isnt always...rather, is hardly ever, physical.  Most of the time, Hell, all the time, it's so sublime, nobody even notices but me...(but why would they...? i wont tell if you dont).  So this is the part when the reader goes..." that's right girl, you dont have to take that...blah blah blah"...well, dont get excited...this decision...doesnt generally dictate any change of action necessarily...i simply decide to at least acknowledge that things dont feel good anymore....then achy braky heart comes on...and the intro is my favorite part, so i slide on my boots...and get back in line..."heyyyyyyy that's my soooooong!!!!"...."