Monday, October 10, 2011


I've never considered myself passive. 


The unwillingness to engage in certain parts of my life...the reluctance to stand up and say "no", this is not ok...the hesitance to at least raise an arm to block the blow or a shield to reflect the proberbial arrow would most definitely be considered...passivity.

Are the "why's" even important?  Perhaps for the adobo of the meat or the sazon con azafran added to the mundane of cheap rice cuz the parboiled was too expensive...maybe so that my blog is somethin' worth readin' or maybe just so the reader wont think i'm a punk...maybe the why's are important.  In actuality, the "why" matters cuz what God reveals, He heals but how often do we ever get to the "why"???  Some of my "why's" go way back...and some...some are still whistlin' like the kettle on Clifton place waiting to make that perfect cup of tea...for example...

Why do i let "you" say things to hurt me over and over again and then still come when you call?  Why do i take the abuse cuz i feel like i deserve it for "makin" you love me and not being able to be everything you need...? Why, instead of at least slowly building some sort of fortress to shelter my heart...or at least constructing a temporary wall or makeshift tent that might withstand at least the first part of the storm, do i stand by and watch you build your castle, dig ur moat, fill it with crocodiles and lube up the chain on your drawbridge when i KNOW what side of it i'll be left on ???

And YOU....if i even begin to ask the why's that weave in and out of our 'get down'...whew...that's all i'm gonna say about that...cuz sacred and i promised not to go there.

Why did i even meet "you"?  Yes, you are wonderful, but why do i let you think that you were perfect and except the entire responsibility for your broken heart when the truth is you are not all you think you are...and you cant be what you think you can be...not to me, anyway...not for me.  I understand that you want to...and it's because of that sincerity that i dont tell you that your pain is always showing.  Your brokenness is always the one that opens my car door when i arrive and starts an argument when i try to leave....and yes, i'd like to be the one to fix that for you but ....i cant....and that's the real reason that there is no "us" least not now.

and You....what are you doing here?  well, i've been here all along, but why now? why like this?  where is this going?  i cant ...i wont take on the responsibility of another heart looking for a home that wanders into my tree hugging arms...i know that sounds cold but in this on THIS is what it is...

As is usually the case...this entry has taken on a life of its own so in an effort to maintain some semblance of sanity, i'm going to reign it in now...also, like any good mystery, the names in this story ...the dates...and the recollections have been intentionally revised to protect the innocent...or the guilty...:) so if you are reading this...and wondering if i'm talking about you...perhaps i am...or...maybe i'm not...either way rest the big scheme of doesnt even matter....does it?

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