If someone would have told me that on this day, November 1st 2012, at 11:45 am, i would be sitting behind a desk on the phone...selling merchant services....if anyone wouldve told me that one of my sons would be in placement and the other would be doing much of what is in his power to get himself incarcerated, i would have laughed myself into a coma. I wouldnt have even been able to take them seriously enough to be offended. Honestly, if someone would have even suggested that "Yves" and I would be separated, and that he wouldve all but disappeared for the last six months, I may have paused for a second...but my response would have certainly been...naaaaaah! He wouldnt leave his boys...me, maybe...but not his boys.
There is so much about my life today that i dont understand, but i have learned to be ok in that space. it's not a space of ignorance, or one of apathy; rather it is a space of faith, of trust that 'whatever my lot, ...it is well'. I'm learning so much about my worth, my value, my position in God's heart that the things i dont know, that i dont understand still make sense in that, He loves me and has only good plans for me. I heard Joyce Meyer say this morning that she wouldnt trade her past because if she had to sacrifice her present, shed do it all over again....and that, made sense to me.
I often ponder the number of lives i've lived."Rodney", "Favio", "Yves"...and those are the subtitles i dare type, the ones you guys wont judge me for, but they dont near chronicle my journey. There have been loves, likes, dysfunctional connections and most importantly dear, dear friendships, lifelong bonds that i have experienced that cause me to state with passionate resolve, " i wouldnt trade nothin' for my journey"
I fear the details of what brought me to this place would bore you. Well, maye not, but I'm just damn tired of tellin the story...all of it. I'm tired of yesterday, yes, it has some value but only inasmuch as it brought me my children, so much laughter, and these four grey eyelashes but other than that....at least for now, i have had it with yesterday. I will, however, credit days past with a a phenomenon that i am becoming increasingly proud of...NO!
I am learning the beauty of "no". Not just "no, i cant do that for you", or "no i dont have it", but "no...i wont allow that into my space"..."no, i'm not going to allow you to make me feel that", "NO, I WONT ACCEPT THAT AS THE TRUTH ABOUT ME!!!"..."no"...what a beautifully annointed word. I just got off a call, that for all intents and purposes should've changed my emotional climate at least for a while; but because of this one syllable, two letter word...one vowel, one consenant...i'm good. I'm at peace....and i'm really really proud of that. To make reference to Joyce's statement, if it took all i've been through, to get me to the place where i can close the door on the bullshit...gracefully say 'no, thank you' to the drama...and mean it????!!! Then baaaaaayyybbbeeeeee.....TICK TACK, NO TRADE BACKS!!! I'd do it all again. (562)