....I just found out...that i'm angry.
I actually had to let that sentence sit...alone...and read it a few times, without explaining it away...without qualifying it...without denying it. I'm angry. During a mentor call, as i was doing my usual "performance", i was stopped in my tracks by the reality that I...AM....ANGRY. ( i've been typing for almost five minutes and i've only gotten this far because i keep deleting and starting again...why is this so difficult to address?) As i'm typing i'm noticing the anxiety over...who might be reading this..."will they think i'm talking about them?" "will they be mad at me?" "will they understand that i was just trying to...?" I didnt even know...that i was angry.
I've called my anger many things...but mostly i've internalized and blamed myself for the violations and betrayals that are so commonplace that they masquerade as 'jokes' and get to sit at the dinner table. They get invited to family functions and fit comfortably in shirt pockets and coach bags ready to be applied like antibiotic ointment to those ' not so bad cuts' that just wont seem to heal....i've chosen asthma attacks over a punching bag and chocolate chip cookies over journaling for far too long. Today, in an effort to clear these 43 year old lungs i say out loud..." ouch! that hurts!!!!
Ayanla Vanzant suggested i "call the foul" and i thought we had a deal. She explained that although i cant always do anything about it, being able to at least call the foul is not only healthy but necessary. When i read that passage in "Acts of Faith" so many years ago, i promised myself that i would do that. I said that i wouldnt allow pain to set in and fester because i didnt at least acknowledge that i had been wronged. In this moment, i realize that a commitment like that cant be made just once. I have to commit to being committed. :)
God is faithful...and in this season, i am reminded again to call the foul, at least internally....acknowledge the hurt....forgive...SET BOUNDARIES...so that true forgiveness and healing can occur...and then find a release for my anger...punching bag isnt really my style...and although blogging rocks...i need something more physical. I'm still woring on what that release should be but i get it...i'm angry...and that's ok.